NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said …

“Nope….You are! I’m gonna burn down the Barn!”

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my backside in the mirror I will think,
Good grief, look how smart I am!

Must be where ‘Smart Arse’ came from!

Lucky1 said:

NEVER CHEAT ON A COUNTRY WOMAN!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.

She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.

The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said …

“Nope….You are! I’m gonna burn down the Barn!”

A good ‘en.

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, ‘I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?’

The blonde said, ‘I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.’

The milkman asked, ‘Do you want it pasteurized?’

The blonde said, ‘No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my face.’

My cousin Bruce says that if Tony Abbott wins the election he’s going to contact people smugglers to take him to Sri Lanka.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad news.. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat..

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?’

‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.’

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY…

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

Quickie in the Bushes.

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, ‘As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.’

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, ‘Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?’

He asks her ‘Shall we?’

She eagerly replies, ‘Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions.

This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.’

————————AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in the pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t,’ said the man.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘ Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?
‘
The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

“ Marion … Marion “

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?”

“No………..I’m a rabbit in Dubbo!!!!!

Lucky1 said:

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

“ Marion … Marion “

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?”

“No………..I’m a rabbit in Dubbo!!!!!

Giggling here!

HOW IS NORMA …………. This is hilarious !! and (supposedly) a true story

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Happy Potter said:

HOW IS NORMA …………. This is hilarious !! and (supposedly) a true story

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Gee, that’s terrible if it’s true!!

bon008 said:

Happy Potter said:

HOW IS NORMA …………. This is hilarious !! and (supposedly) a true story

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Gee, that’s terrible if it’s true!!

I have read of cases where they have rung 000 for help while in hospital.

bon008 said:

Happy Potter said:

HOW IS NORMA …………. This is hilarious !! and (supposedly) a true story

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”

Gee, that’s terrible if it’s true!!

I once phoned up a restaurant to order a drink… seeing as the staff were ignoring my requests.

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his penis, so he goes to see his GP:

‘I’m afraid this is serious,’ the doctor says after examining him.

‘You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?’

‘Yes,’ the man replies shakily.

‘Well,’ the doctor continues,

‘you’ve got a brothel sprout.’

Lucky1 said:

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his penis, so he goes to see his GP:

‘I’m afraid this is serious,’ the doctor says after examining him.

‘You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?’

‘Yes,’ the man replies shakily.

‘Well,’ the doctor continues,

‘you’ve got a brothel sprout.’

augh!!!
(lol!)

Lucky1 said:

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his penis, so he goes to see his GP:

‘I’m afraid this is serious,’ the doctor says after examining him.

‘You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?’

‘Yes,’ the man replies shakily.

‘Well,’ the doctor continues,

‘you’ve got a brothel sprout.’

It did make me giggle too.

Two aliens landed on the Salisbury plain near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The petrol pump, of course, didn’t respond.

Annoyed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’
————-
ridiculous – but funny.

Lucky1 said:

Two aliens landed on the Salisbury plain near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The petrol pump, of course, didn’t respond.

Annoyed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’

That joke is one I heard a heck of a lot of years ago but with a few new bits ddeded. Wwhat goes around comes around so they say.

pomolo said:

Lucky1 said:

Two aliens landed on the Salisbury plain near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The petrol pump, of course, didn’t respond.

Annoyed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.’

‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away.

‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’

That joke is one I heard a heck of a lot of years ago but with a few new bits ddeded. Wwhat goes around comes around so they say.

Sorry about the typo’s. I’m never going to be a good typist.

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning and an engine fails. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

“I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie guy stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…..one button at a time. ………….No one moves. ………….He removes his shirt. …………Muscles ripple across his chest. …………..She gasps… …………..

He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat …..”

Lucky1 said:

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning and an engine fails. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

“I’m too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Aussie guy stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt…..one button at a time. ………….No one moves. ………….He removes his shirt. …………Muscles ripple across his chest. …………..She gasps… …………..

He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat …..”

LOL, sounds like someone we know???

He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat…..”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL, sounds like someone we know???
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Who?

Longy said:

He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat…..”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL, sounds like someone we know???
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Who?

hhhmmmmm

Longy said:

He whispers: “Iron this, and get me something to eat…..”
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LOL, sounds like someone we know???
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Who?

On the other hand, I’m not sure if he has “muscles rippling across his chest”…?

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!! !

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”

“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. “

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … every imaginable kind of cured pork.

“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.” “Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.” “Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.” And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe… go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!” “Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? “ “Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees Ees Ees Ees a ham bush…”

Lucky1 said:

Ees a ham bush…”

LOL! a classic, IMHO :D

Lucky1 said:

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………

…

This is one of my favourite jokes ever.. heehee :)

(slowly climbing the LHC – golly you lot have been nattering! :))

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

The End

Lucky1 said:

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN’S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

The End

Yep. Nuff said.
But i don’t play golf!

Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

“What on earth are you doing, Mick?” says Paddy.

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! “

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on ‘heat’ and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. she rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. “I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch”

“Oh” Said the spinster. “Do you think that will work?”

“Well” The vet replied

“IT JUST WORKED ON ME

Lucky1 said:

Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

“What on earth are you doing, Mick?” says Paddy.

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! “

Of course!

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! ”
++++++++
they’re as dumb as blondes those irish LOL

…speaking of which we had beaut murphy bread this morning. i wonder hoe the PM’s gnocchi fared.

Out in the open farming country, there lived a farmer with a hobby. He collected tractors. He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between. And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space, so he had a number of specially constructed buildings.
But slowly, over the years, he got bored of his collection, until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.
A neighbouring farmer visited him, and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns, sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“Well,” he said, “I used to love these machines, but now I’ve become an ex-tractor fan.”

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe’s leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away – tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”

“No problem”, said Joe

“I’m an ex-tractor fan”

bluegreen said:

Out in the open farming country, there lived a farmer with a hobby. He collected tractors. He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between. And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space, so he had a number of specially constructed buildings.
But slowly, over the years, he got bored of his collection, until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.
A neighbouring farmer visited him, and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns, sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“Well,” he said, “I used to love these machines, but now I’ve become an ex-tractor fan.”

Strewth Beej. I didn’t deserve that.

Longy said:

Strewth Beej. I didn’t deserve that.

Lucky started it!

bluegreen said:

Longy said:

Strewth Beej. I didn’t deserve that.

Lucky started it!

Bluddy sheila.

pepe said:

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! ”
++++++++
they’re as dumb as blondes those irish LOL

…speaking of which we had beaut murphy bread this morning. i wonder hoe the PM’s gnocchi fared.

me thinks sebago was a poor choice of potato….

pain master said:

pepe said:

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! ”
++++++++
they’re as dumb as blondes those irish LOL

…speaking of which we had beaut murphy bread this morning. i wonder hoe the PM’s gnocchi fared.

me thinks sebago was a poor choice of potato….

I expect you would need a floury type of potato?

bluegreen said:

Out in the open farming country, there lived a farmer with a hobby. He collected tractors. He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between. And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space, so he had a number of specially constructed buildings.
But slowly, over the years, he got bored of his collection, until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.
A neighbouring farmer visited him, and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns, sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.
“What’s going on?” asked the visitor.
“Well,” he said, “I used to love these machines, but now I’ve become an ex-tractor fan.”

sob

bluegreen said:

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

…………

“No problem”, said Joe

“I’m an ex-tractor fan”

more sobs

Where are you finding these, BlueGreen?

bluegreen said:

pain master said:

pepe said:

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! ”
++++++++
they’re as dumb as blondes those irish LOL

…speaking of which we had beaut murphy bread this morning. i wonder hoe the PM’s gnocchi fared.

me thinks sebago was a poor choice of potato….

I expect you would need a floury type of potato?

yeah it was the wrong spud alright… the dough was too soft, yet tasted like mashed potato, so we added more flour and eventually got it a bit stiffer but we had overworked it by that stage and they were more like Poh’s Abacus Beads. Still tasted alright.

threadhijackedthreadhijackedthreadhijackedthreadhijacked.

but now I’ve become an ex-tractor fan.”
——————————————
Groan….lol

Dinetta said:

bluegreen said:

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.

…………

“No problem”, said Joe

“I’m an ex-tractor fan”

more sobs

Where are you finding these, BlueGreen?

my daughter :)

pain master said:

threadhijackedthreadhijackedthreadhijackedthreadhijacked.

I did notice that!

bluegreen said:

pain master said:

pepe said:

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!” says an obviously embarrassed Mick. “But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor! ”
++++++++
they’re as dumb as blondes those irish LOL

…speaking of which we had beaut murphy bread this morning. i wonder hoe the PM’s gnocchi fared.

me thinks sebago was a poor choice of potato….

I expect you would need a floury type of potato?

I thought potatoes went floury with age?

bluegreen said:

Longy said:

Strewth Beej. I didn’t deserve that.

Lucky started it!

Pokes BG in ribs….didn’t not…..

I was telling gutter jokes not ex-tractor jokes…..lol

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

Longy said:

Strewth Beej. I didn’t deserve that.

Lucky started it!

Pokes BG in ribs….didn’t not…..

I was telling gutter jokes not ex-tractor jokes…..lol

you were telling tractor jokes!

splutters

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

Lucky started it!

Pokes BG in ribs….didn’t not…..

I was telling gutter jokes not ex-tractor jokes…..lol

you were telling tractor jokes!

splutters

Nope…I was telling sexy jokes….with an underlying tractor theme……….lol

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

Pokes BG in ribs….didn’t not…..

I was telling gutter jokes not ex-tractor jokes…..lol

you were telling tractor jokes!

splutters

Nope…I was telling sexy jokes….with an underlying tractor theme……….lol

well, you put it in my head! the tractor bit that is!

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

you were telling tractor jokes!

splutters

Nope…I was telling sexy jokes….with an underlying tractor theme……….lol

well, you put it in my head! the tractor bit that is!

hehehehe

I often wonder who thinks up all these jokes, good or bad…..

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

Nope…I was telling sexy jokes….with an underlying tractor theme……….lol

well, you put it in my head! the tractor bit that is!

hehehehe

I often wonder who thinks up all these jokes, good or bad…..

someone with nothing better to do :)

Where are you finding these, BlueGreen?

my daughter :)
+++++++++
Slap her excessively for me please.

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

well, you put it in my head! the tractor bit that is!

hehehehe

I often wonder who thinks up all these jokes, good or bad…..

someone with nothing better to do :)

No. That’s the people who pass them on……

Longy said:

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

hehehehe

I often wonder who thinks up all these jokes, good or bad…..

someone with nothing better to do :)

No. That’s the people who pass them on……

touche :)

Dinetta said:

bluegreen said:

pain master said:

me thinks sebago was a poor choice of potato….

I expect you would need a floury type of potato?

I thought potatoes went floury with age?

yeah, but some are starchier then others.

pain master said:

Dinetta said:

bluegreen said:

I expect you would need a floury type of potato?

I thought potatoes went floury with age?

yeah, but some are starchier then others.

Bit like the white sheilas up here it would seem.

Longy said:

pain master said:

Dinetta said:

I thought potatoes went floury with age?

yeah, but some are starchier then others.

Bit like the white sheilas up here it would seem.

watch out for the ones covered in gold jewellery.

pain master said:

Longy said:

pain master said:

yeah, but some are starchier then others.

Bit like the white sheilas up here it would seem.

watch out for the ones covered in gold jewellery.

Heard a yarn about one of those last night.
I love this place.

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”

“That fellow traveling through,” said the farmer. “needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.”
So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. “How could he leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out…..

“LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”

Lucky1 said:

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

“LAIDTHEOLADEETOO”

LOL! My father used to yodel…but I don’t think he was aware of that legend… :D

pissa lol

When you have an
‘I Hate My Job day’

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer madeby Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home,
lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect
the phone
so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested and then sanitized.”

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
‘ I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.’

HAVE A NICE DAY;
AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

…Now,
if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart…
You’re just an old sour fart;
Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson

Enjoy life now –
It has an expiration date!

Drylander sent this to me ….lol

You have to love British humour!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is… **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Alaskan Retirement

> Tom had been in business for 25 years.Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet..

> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

> ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…’

> ‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’

> As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.’

> ‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.

> Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’

> ‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right! …I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

> ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’

> ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’

> ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us..’

A stark naked,drunken Australian woman,
jumped into a vacant taxi in down town New Delhi.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself
and just kept on staring at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.

“What’s wrong with you mate, haven’t you ever seen a naked white woman before?” “I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from”. “Well if your not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?” “Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with.”

This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work The clerk told her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

‘PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!’

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, ‘Ma’am what’s wrong?’

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

‘PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!’

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, ‘Ma’am, why are you saying that?’

In a huff, the woman says,

‘BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED !!’

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

He Said To Me!

He said to me . … . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
I said to him …. . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me … . ………. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him .. …… Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him … . They don’t have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him … .. I don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . .. They already have boyfriends.

He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . …….. A widow.

He said to me…. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . ….. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Lucky1 said:

He Said To Me!

He said to me … . ………. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing

One of my favourites….the whole joke that is…haven’t seen it for quite a few years…

A police officer in Penticton stop at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, “ Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs……

scroll down :D
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<

“Your badge. Show him your *^%# “BADGE”!

Lucky1 said:

A police officer in Penticton stop at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, “ Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs……

scroll down :D
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<

“Your badge. Show him your *^%# “BADGE”!

LOL! (Go for it, Bull!)

Dinetta said:

Lucky1 said:

A police officer in Penticton stop at a local ranch. He talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay , but do not go in that field over there,” as he points out the location.

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, “ Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? “

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he’ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs……

scroll down :D
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<

“Your badge. Show him your *^%# “BADGE”!

LOL! (Go for it, Bull!)

Got a love the bull for sticking it to the twit.

TAX TIME
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,“What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “ Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

Thee said:

TAX TIME
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,“What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “ Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

ROTFL!!

Happy Halloween

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

What a hoot!

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

Why can’t I forward it? It won’t work.

pomolo said:

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

Why can’t I forward it? It won’t work.

I’ll send the email to you hang on

pomolo said:

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

What a hoot!

Gosh I hope my boobs don’t hang like that with my weight loss and old age…….LOL

Lucky1 said:

pomolo said:

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

What a hoot!

Gosh I hope my boobs don’t hang like that with my weight loss and old age…….LOL

PM places hands over ears, closes eyes and shouts out “LA LA LA!”

Lucky1 said:

pomolo said:

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

Why can’t I forward it? It won’t work.

I’ll send the email to you hang on

Thank you Buddy.

Lucky1 said:

pomolo said:

Lucky1 said:

Happy Halloween

What a hoot!

Gosh I hope my boobs don’t hang like that with my weight loss and old age…….LOL

Looks like you could have fun with them though. LOL.

http://www.lead.org.au/bblp/Climate_Change/tsld002.htm

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,

‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?’

She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other’s
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

‘Well, how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:

‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’

Lucky1 said:

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

…

Aww, I worked out what was going to happen half way through – rather spoiled the punchline!!

bon008 said:

Lucky1 said:

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

…

Aww, I worked out what was going to happen half way through – rather spoiled the punchline!!

Well……………………. last time I’m telling you a joke!!!! ROTFL

Lucky1 said:

bon008 said:

Lucky1 said:

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

…

Aww, I worked out what was going to happen half way through – rather spoiled the punchline!!

Well……………………. last time I’m telling you a joke!!!! ROTFL

The thing is, it’s too precise about the bears all being lined up by size!! Instantly made me think of fun fair prizes :)

I’ll try to be more obtuse next time!!

bon008 said:

Lucky1 said:

bon008 said:

Aww, I worked out what was going to happen half way through – rather spoiled the punchline!!

Well……………………. last time I’m telling you a joke!!!! ROTFL

The thing is, it’s too precise about the bears all being lined up by size!! Instantly made me think of fun fair prizes :)

I’ll try to be more obtuse next time!!

Thanks, I’d appreciate that when telling you a joke….hehehe

A Bunnings Story !

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set… When the man was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that vanity set? The young assistant manager replied, “That’s a gold plated set and the price is $500.00. Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that is very expensive. It’s certainly out of my price bracket.” She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. “Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?” Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, “No, but I will for the vanity set.”

This is why you can’t send a woman to Bunnings!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.” The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

This is rather good too…..

A reworded video of a Billy Joel song

http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html

Sometimes it’s best to leave some things alone ………..

Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’ No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’ Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a beautiful blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’ The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared !

Lucky1 said:

Sometimes it’s best to leave some things alone ………..

Alabama preacher said to his congregation, ‘Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. It is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.’ No one moved. The preacher continued, ‘Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.’ Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a beautiful blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, ‘Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.’ The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared !

OH this is good!

I so love Jimmy Stewart and his voice…….here is a you tube clip about a poem he wrote about his dog…Bo

http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/J_S.html

Lucky1 said:

I so love Jimmy Stewart and his voice…….here is a you tube clip about a poem he wrote about his dog…Bo

http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/J_S.html

funny and sad too.

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

I so love Jimmy Stewart and his voice…….here is a you tube clip about a poem he wrote about his dog…Bo

http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/J_S.html

funny and sad too.

Yeah I thought so too.

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

I so love Jimmy Stewart and his voice…….here is a you tube clip about a poem he wrote about his dog…Bo

http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/J_S.html

funny and sad too.

Yeah I thought so too.

Oh not a good time for me to watch that! pass the tissues…

Lucky1 said:

bluegreen said:

Lucky1 said:

I so love Jimmy Stewart and his voice…….here is a you tube clip about a poem he wrote about his dog…Bo

http://silverandgoldandthee.net/V/J_S.html

funny and sad too.

Yeah I thought so too.

me three

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce .

The man persists and asks to see the manager.The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned and found the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’

‘Canada, sir,’ the boy replied.

‘Well, why did you leave Canada?’ the manager asked.

The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.’

‘Really?’ said the manager frostily. ‘My wife is from Canada.’

‘No shit?’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?’

http://www.goodcleanhumor.net/cat-burglar/

This is so cute….

Lucky1 said:

http://www.goodcleanhumor.net/cat-burglar/

This is so cute….

Haha! So cheeky.

Lucky1 said:

http://www.goodcleanhumor.net/cat-burglar/

This is so cute….

What a devil. I wonder just why he does it.

Lucky1 said:

http://www.goodcleanhumor.net/cat-burglar/

This is so cute….

Spooky. MrBL actually had a silly dream not long ago where our two cats escaped and went on a robbing spree. Maybe it wasn’t so silly after all.

I just gave “Klepto Cat” to my vet and she reccommended “Surprise Kitty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8

bubba louie said:

I just gave “Klepto Cat” to my vet and she reccommended “Surprise Kitty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Bmhjf0rKe8

:D