Ok I’ll start it ..
I think this is hilarious! http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/family-cheated-over-hamish-and-andys-monkey-business-at-werribee-zoo/story-e6frf7jo-1225949629895Happy Potter said:
Ok I’ll start it .. I think this is hilarious! http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/family-cheated-over-hamish-and-andys-monkey-business-at-werribee-zoo/story-e6frf7jo-1225949629895
Heehee!! OK, I’ll dig mine out of the email..
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at the “Tickle Me Elmo” factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
..
..
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’
Does this count, or is it too juvenile? :D
Happy Potter said:
Ok I’ll start it .. I think this is hilarious! http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/family-cheated-over-hamish-and-andys-monkey-business-at-werribee-zoo/story-e6frf7jo-1225949629895
I’m a Hamish and Andy fan too. They crack me up.
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Calgary.
Bert always wanted a pair of Alberta boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looked him over. ‘No Darl.’
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow, ‘cause its always that way’
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?’
‘No Darl’, she replied.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT ME NEW ALBERTA BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’
bon008 said:
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Calgary.Bert always wanted a pair of Alberta boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’
Margaret looked him over. ‘No Darl.’
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow, ‘cause its always that way’
Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?’
‘No Darl’, she replied.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT ME NEW ALBERTA BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’
and a belt, it woulda kept his pants up.
This school teacher, Pat, is a die hard union girl, and very good teacher, but she cannot handle the very wayward boy Lachey, and sends him to the school’s discipline officer often.
Reports about Lachey keep coming back to her with the letters NFI on the sheet. “I agree he has No F….ing. Idea”, she thinks, “but how am I going to explain these reports to his parents?”
So she asks the disciplinary officer and learns that NFI stands for – “not following instructions”.
True.
Nunchucks. LOL
http://dailyshite.com/2009/11/nunchucks/
Paddy is passing Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Feruson tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right boot, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. “What on earth are you doing, Mick?” says Paddy. “Jees Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ daylights out of me,” says an obviously embarassed Mick. “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.
For Ronnie Corbett fans:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
AnneS said:
For Ronnie Corbett fans:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
LOL eggsbox!
Happy Potter said:
AnneS said:
For Ronnie Corbett fans:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
LOL eggsbox!
Classsic eh? Did you notice that they both nearly lost it when talking about the size of the dongle? LOL
AnneS said:
Happy Potter said:
AnneS said:
For Ronnie Corbett fans:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
LOL eggsbox!
Classsic eh? Did you notice that they both nearly lost it when talking about the size of the dongle? LOL
Yes, lol. It must be hard to keep a straight face!
God and His conversation with St. Francis.
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? ST.. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: ‘Dumb and Dumber’, Lord. It’s a story about…. GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
—————
i like it.
pepe said:
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
—————
i like it.
and ain’t it the truth :D
pepe said:
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
—————
i like it.
So true, and they forgot to mention that most trees are removed because of “public liability”…
AnneS said:
pepe said:
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
—————
i like it.
and ain’t it the truth :D
my grass is being cut as we speak :)
Subject: FW: Illusions
A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, ‘Hey Koala! What are you doing?’ The koala said, ‘Smoking a joint, come up and have some.’ So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few hits. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was ‘dry’ and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, ‘What’s the matter with you?’ The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink… The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, ‘Hey you!’ So the koala looked down at him and said, ‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… How much water did you drink?‘Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude…
How much water did you drink?
——————————-
chuckle – nicely disguised punchline.
TEST
This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury. THE TEST Suddenly, you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer… Somehow, this woman looks familiar… You suddenly realise who it is… It’s Julia Gillard! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: 1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or 2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful people! THE QUESTION Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer… Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?My funny for the day lol.. I’ve been trying to turn my older sis in Bris into a gardener, she’s very keen!
She sent me this pic of her tomato and it cracked me up lol! It’s the right colour at least, hehe.
AnneS said:
THE QUESTION Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer… Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Black and white…
Happy Potter said:
My funny for the day lol.. I’ve been trying to turn my older sis in Bris into a gardener, she’s very keen!
She sent me this pic of her tomato and it cracked me up lol! It’s the right colour at least, hehe.
Well, the thing next to it looks healthy :D
Dinetta said:
AnneS said:THE QUESTION Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer… Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?Black and white…
nah, you need to be able to see the red hair!
AnneS said:
TEST This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury. THE TEST Suddenly, you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer… Somehow, this woman looks familiar… You suddenly realise who it is… It’s Julia Gillard! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: 1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or 2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful people! THE QUESTION Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer… Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
That is such a hoot Anne.
Happy Potter said:
My funny for the day lol.. I’ve been trying to turn my older sis in Bris into a gardener, she’s very keen!
She sent me this pic of her tomato and it cracked me up lol! It’s the right colour at least, hehe.
I love it. I looks so much like mine sometimes. LOL.
AnneS said:
TEST This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features a situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line. THE SITUATION You are in Queensland, Brisbane to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by severe storms. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for the Courier Mail, and you’re caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You’re trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury. THE TEST Suddenly, you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer… Somehow, this woman looks familiar… You suddenly realise who it is… It’s Julia Gillard! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever. You have two options: 1. You can save the life of Prime Minister Gillard; or 2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country’s most powerful people! THE QUESTION Here’s the question, and please give an honest answer… Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Colour, you gotta capture that red hair!
AnneS said:
Colour, you gotta capture that red hair!
definately black and white, avoids the confusion of colour and creates a very graphic image :)
trichome said:
AnneS said:
Colour, you gotta capture that red hair!
definately black and white, avoids the confusion of colour and creates a very graphic image :)
Nah I agree you need to see the red hair!
AnneS said:
trichome said:AnneS said:
Colour, you gotta capture that red hair!
definately black and white, avoids the confusion of colour and creates a very graphic image :)
Nah I agree you need to see the red hair!
maybe the bulk of the photo B&W but the hair colourised?
bluegreen said:
AnneS said:
trichome said:definately black and white, avoids the confusion of colour and creates a very graphic image :)
Nah I agree you need to see the red hair!
maybe the bulk of the photo B&W but the hair colourised?
that’s an idea!
bluegreen said:
AnneS said:
trichome said:definately black and white, avoids the confusion of colour and creates a very graphic image :)
Nah I agree you need to see the red hair!
maybe the bulk of the photo B&W but the hair colourised?
2 B/W images, one full B/W raw graqphic, one B/W with hair coloured in for the art scene :)
Gotta love those priests
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
AnneS said:
Gotta love those priests
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?” The first guy said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest said, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”
I like clever. Beats slapstick.
Three Ladies in a Sauna
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ‘THAT WAS
MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG
WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT
DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TOTHE BATHROOM..
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID……….WELL, WILL
YOU LOOK AT THAT…….I’M GETTING A FAX!!
AnneS said:
Three Ladies in a SaunaTHREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN
PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ‘THAT WAS
MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG
WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT
DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TOTHE BATHROOM..SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END.THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID……….WELL, WILL
YOU LOOK AT THAT…….I’M GETTING A FAX!!
I loved my first up morning laugh Anne. Thanks.