There you go.

Why did the dad joke cross the road?

To get to the other sigh.

Bubblecar said:

Why did the dad joke cross the road?

To get to the other sigh.

Very solid opening.

I probably shouldn’t tell Mr buffy I started this thread. You will all suffer.

Mothers and Aunts aren’t so needy that they require special joke threads.

Bump for SCIENCE

dv said:

Don’t give up your day job.

dv said:

dv said:

reminds us of when they told us to find stuff on eyghel tan

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

reminds us of when they told us to find stuff on eyghel tan

Peaches come from a can
They were put there by a man
In a factory downtown…

poikilotherm said:

Ha!

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

reminds us of when they told us to find stuff on eyghel tan

But where is the cereal?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isle_of_Grain

Bogsnorkler said:

:)

Michael Che on SNL:

President Trump has signed an executive order giving refugee status to white people from South Africa. Huh. You know, I could have sworn that white people had it good in South Africa. Must be the Mandela effect.

dv said:

Michael Che on SNL:

President Trump has signed an executive order giving refugee status to white people from South Africa. Huh. You know, I could have sworn that white people had it good in South Africa. Must be the Mandela effect.

‘sif, we’re pretty sure it was the Gandhi effect

dv said:

Michael Che on SNL:

President Trump has signed an executive order giving refugee status to white people from South Africa. Huh. You know, I could have sworn that white people had it good in South Africa. Must be the Mandela effect.

LOLOLOL

https://youtu.be/4pxwdJkj3Ts?si=k5ikNT109o61y2i2

Old fashioned joke

When I was at uni I was invited to a party by a girl I had a crush on (on whom I had a crush?); it was a number-themed party, and we (the girl, me, and two of her friends) were going as π. I was the decimal point, but she was the 4, which meant I had a miserable time, with someone between us the whole time. The main reason I went to the party was to spend some time next to her, but that just didn’t work. It was quite disappointing; I really thought she was the one.

btm said:

When I was at uni I was invited to a party by a girl I had a crush on (on whom I had a crush?); it was a number-themed party, and we (the girl, me, and two of her friends) were going as π. I was the decimal point, but she was the 4, which meant I had a miserable time, with someone between us the whole time. The main reason I went to the party was to spend some time next to her, but that just didn’t work. It was quite disappointing; I really thought she was the one.

Shakes head.

Divine Angel said:

groan

dv said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

I think you might find the “joke” is in the word “unironically”…

furious said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

I think you might find the “joke” is in the word “unironically”…

Unironed:

Tamb said:

furious said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

I think you might find the “joke” is in the word “unironically”…

Unironed:

we thought anaemic meant that the haemoglobin levels were decreased

SCIENCE said:

Tamb said:

furious said:

I think you might find the “joke” is in the word “unironically”…

Unironed:

we thought anaemic meant that the haemoglobin levels were decreased

Like this one

furious said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

I think you might find the “joke” is in the word “unironically”…

doh! There I go over-complicating things again.

OK, a dad joke no question.

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

It’s got nothing to do with emic…

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

how much ferreting did it take to get to that one

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

It’s got nothing to do with emic…

OK, I’ve ferreted out the point of it now, with the help of furious.

The Rev Dodgson said:

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

It’s got nothing to do with emic…

OK, I’ve ferreted out the point of it now, with the help of furious.

Maybe get a paternity test for those kids of yours.

The Rev Dodgson said:

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

I had to look up emic.

I’m not sure this is really a dad joke.

Although I suppose dv is a dad.

It’s got nothing to do with emic…

OK, I’ve ferreted out the point of it now, with the help of furious.

Lot of ferreting in this thread.

Sheesh tough crowd damn.

I had an insulated vacuum flask tattooed onto my arm.

It’s a thermos tat.

fsm said:

I had an insulated vacuum flask tattooed onto my arm.

It’s a thermos tat.

:)

Michael V said:

fsm said:

I had an insulated vacuum flask tattooed onto my arm.

It’s a thermos tat.

:)

something something Billie Eilish something clothes off something bimetallic strip

SCIENCE said:

Michael V said:

fsm said:

I had an insulated vacuum flask tattooed onto my arm.

It’s a thermos tat.

:)

something something Billie Eilish something clothes off something bimetallic strip

Is she a bit of alright?

Peak Warming Man said:

SCIENCE said:

Michael V said:

:)

something something Billie Eilish something clothes off something bimetallic strip

Is she a bit of alright?

when she has curves she’s hot

“A million thanks to New Scientist magazine (Feedback 22 October 2025) for alerting me to the (serious, I promise) scientific paper by Paul Silvia and Meriel Burnett entitled,

What’s brown and sticky? Peering into the ineluctable comedic mystery of dad humor with a handful of machine learning models, hundreds of humans, and tens of thousands of dad jokes *

As well as the paper, the website hosts a downloadable list of, as promised, 32,000 jokes. The download is Joke Database.zip, just over 50 MB. When expanded it holds two datasets, one with the full 32k jokes (all gathered from Reddit) and the other a subset of 501 jokes the researchers put to a panel of human joke evaluators.
…”

See more at:
https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/viewpost.php?post=315525

(but I couldn’t find a link to the actual paper)

The Rev Dodgson said:

“A million thanks to New Scientist magazine (Feedback 22 October 2025) for alerting me to the (serious, I promise) scientific paper by Paul Silvia and Meriel Burnett entitled,

What’s brown and sticky? Peering into the ineluctable comedic mystery of dad humor with a handful of machine learning models, hundreds of humans, and tens of thousands of dad jokes *

As well as the paper, the website hosts a downloadable list of, as promised, 32,000 jokes. The download is Joke Database.zip, just over 50 MB. When expanded it holds two datasets, one with the full 32k jokes (all gathered from Reddit) and the other a subset of 501 jokes the researchers put to a panel of human joke evaluators.
…”

See more at:
https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/viewpost.php?post=315525

(but I couldn’t find a link to the actual paper)

https://osf.io/preprints/psyarxiv/ex2q7_v1

Link

A Stick: 2AbstractA stick, of course. This masterpiece of human creativity is an example of a dad joke, a clean, good-natured joke founded on puns, literalism, and wordplay. After unpacking the structures, contents, and comedic devices that distinguish dad jokes from related genres, the present research explored both the features of dad jokes that make them funny and the kinds of people who find them funny. Study 1coded over 32,000 jokes scraped from the Reddit r/dad jokes community. Ridge regression models found that a joke’s upvotes and comments were modestly predictable from its text and topic features(test sample R2=4.02%and 4.42%).After curating a hypercube subsample of 501 dad jokes, Study 2 found that both text features (e.g., concreteness, semantic distance, question framing) and topic features (e.g., moms, pregnancy, and numbers)predicted the funniness ratings made by adults (n= 621) much more effectively(cross-validated R2= 28.2%). Study 3 found that individual differences in people’s funniness ratings were associated with cultural conventionality(e.g., parenthood, more education, affluence, religiosity, and conservatism)and social boldness(e.g., need for uniqueness, low honesty-humility, and boldness; cross-validated R2= 32.4%),and that dads found the dad jokes funnier. Seemingly simple wordplay humor illuminates the psychology of verbal creativity and extends the psychology of aesthetics into art encounters that provoke feelings of amusement, playfulness, and absurdity. The coded dad jokes are freely available for researchers interested in studying humor or hassling their teenagers

JudgeMental said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

“A million thanks to New Scientist magazine (Feedback 22 October 2025) for alerting me to the (serious, I promise) scientific paper by Paul Silvia and Meriel Burnett entitled,

What’s brown and sticky? Peering into the ineluctable comedic mystery of dad humor with a handful of machine learning models, hundreds of humans, and tens of thousands of dad jokes *

As well as the paper, the website hosts a downloadable list of, as promised, 32,000 jokes. The download is Joke Database.zip, just over 50 MB. When expanded it holds two datasets, one with the full 32k jokes (all gathered from Reddit) and the other a subset of 501 jokes the researchers put to a panel of human joke evaluators.
…”

See more at:
https://learn1.open.ac.uk/mod/oublog/viewpost.php?post=315525

(but I couldn’t find a link to the actual paper)

https://osf.io/preprints/psyarxiv/ex2q7_v1

Link

A Stick: 2AbstractA stick, of course. This masterpiece of human creativity is an example of a dad joke, a clean, good-natured joke founded on puns, literalism, and wordplay. After unpacking the structures, contents, and comedic devices that distinguish dad jokes from related genres, the present research explored both the features of dad jokes that make them funny and the kinds of people who find them funny. Study 1coded over 32,000 jokes scraped from the Reddit r/dad jokes community. Ridge regression models found that a joke’s upvotes and comments were modestly predictable from its text and topic features(test sample R2=4.02%and 4.42%).After curating a hypercube subsample of 501 dad jokes, Study 2 found that both text features (e.g., concreteness, semantic distance, question framing) and topic features (e.g., moms, pregnancy, and numbers)predicted the funniness ratings made by adults (n= 621) much more effectively(cross-validated R2= 28.2%). Study 3 found that individual differences in people’s funniness ratings were associated with cultural conventionality(e.g., parenthood, more education, affluence, religiosity, and conservatism)and social boldness(e.g., need for uniqueness, low honesty-humility, and boldness; cross-validated R2= 32.4%),and that dads found the dad jokes funnier. Seemingly simple wordplay humor illuminates the psychology of verbal creativity and extends the psychology of aesthetics into art encounters that provoke feelings of amusement, playfulness, and absurdity. The coded dad jokes are freely available for researchers interested in studying humor or hassling their teenagers

Thanks Mr. Judge.

I am surprised by the apparent lack of interest in this important scientific work.

… but anyway:

What do you call a judge with no fingers?

Justice thumbs.

Why don’t you find much aspirin in Australia?

Because the parrots eat ‘em all.

The Rev Dodgson said:

… but anyway:

What do you call a judge with no fingers?

Justice thumbs.

Why don’t you find much aspirin in Australia?

Because the parrots eat ‘em all.

Well done lad, they were quite clever.

dv said:

they use signal because everything arises and falls away

dv said:

Would that work better for Jedi ?

Cymek said:

dv said:

Would that work better for Jedi ?

Kind of stupid, the Jedi rule about attachments. Breeding (or rather not breeding) themselves out of existence…

We’ve probably had this one before, but it raised a smile anyway:

Trump dies and ends up in hell.

The Devil tells Trump that as hell is full they’re operating a ‘one in, one out’ policy, but as he’s a president he can chose who to replace. He’s shown three doors.

Behind the first door is Obama pushing a huge boulder up a hill. When he gets to the top the boulder rolls down and he has to start again. ‘That looks like a lot of hard work’ thinks Trump.

Behind the next door is Bush constantly swinging a hammer to break a huge stone. Each time he breaks one a new one appears. ‘I’m not sure my back swing could do that’ thinks Trump.

Finally, behind the next door he sees Clinton tied to a bed, with Monica Lewinsky doing what she’s best known for. Every time he comes Clinton shouts out in agony ‘oh, no, not again’ as she starts over.

The devil comes up to Trump and asks if he’s made a decision. ‘Yes, I’ll take the third room’.

‘Ok’ says the Devil and opens the door. ‘Good news Monica, you’re off to heaven’.

The Rev Dodgson said:

We’ve probably had this one before, but it raised a smile anyway:

Trump dies and ends up in hell.

The Devil tells Trump that as hell is full they’re operating a ‘one in, one out’ policy, but as he’s a president he can chose who to replace. He’s shown three doors.

Behind the first door is Obama pushing a huge boulder up a hill. When he gets to the top the boulder rolls down and he has to start again. ‘That looks like a lot of hard work’ thinks Trump.

Behind the next door is Bush constantly swinging a hammer to break a huge stone. Each time he breaks one a new one appears. ‘I’m not sure my back swing could do that’ thinks Trump.

Finally, behind the next door he sees Clinton tied to a bed, with Monica Lewinsky doing what she’s best known for. Every time he comes Clinton shouts out in agony ‘oh, no, not again’ as she starts over.

The devil comes up to Trump and asks if he’s made a decision. ‘Yes, I’ll take the third room’.

‘Ok’ says the Devil and opens the door. ‘Good news Monica, you’re off to heaven’.

big and beautiful

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1DXZ4nVSHY/

Death

Just to balance things up a bit, here’s a mum joke for you all:

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?” Her mother replies, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thinks about this for a while, and then says, “Wow, Momma, you must have really pissed off Grandma!”

The Rev Dodgson said:

Just to balance things up a bit, here’s a mum joke for you all:

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?” Her mother replies, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thinks about this for a while, and then says, “Wow, Momma, you must have really pissed off Grandma!”

Heh.

The Rev Dodgson said:

Just to balance things up a bit, here’s a mum joke for you all:

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and asks, “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?” Her mother replies, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thinks about this for a while, and then says, “Wow, Momma, you must have really pissed off Grandma!”

:)

Before my surgery the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was and ether/oar situation.

Peak Warming Man said:

Before my surgery the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was and ether/oar situation.

:)

Peak Warming Man said:

Before my surgery the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was and ether/oar situation.

…

Michael V said:

Peak Warming Man said:

Before my surgery the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was and ether/oar situation.

…

what a gas

SCIENCE said:

Michael V said:

Peak Warming Man said:

Before my surgery the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was and ether/oar situation.

…

what a gas

Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

Michael V said:

SCIENCE said:

Michael V said:

…

what a gas

Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

He’s a gas gas gas

roughbarked said:

Michael V said:

SCIENCE said:

what a gas

Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

He’s a gas gas gas

Good goddess this place is really predictable.

kii said:

roughbarked said:

Michael V said:

Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

He’s a gas gas gas

Good goddess this place is really predictable.

no shit that’s what gen爱 relies on

I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got 2 half sisters.

Kingy said:

I come from a family of failed magicians. I’ve got 2 half sisters.

That’s going into the Christmas bonbon joke pile.

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

I’m busted. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let the stock market down.

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

For DA:
https://osf.io/kynm7/overview
Click on “Joke databases”, about half-way down the page. About 33,000 dad jokes.

Kingy said:

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

I’m busted. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let the stock market down.

There’s a joke with a similar punchline. Unfortunately I can’t recall the setup. Something about an inflatable boy with an inflatable family and an inflatable school.

btm said:

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

For DA:
https://osf.io/kynm7/overview
Click on “Joke databases”, about half-way down the page. About 33,000 dad jokes.

😎

Divine Angel said:

Kingy said:

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

I’m busted. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let the stock market down.

There’s a joke with a similar punchline. Unfortunately I can’t recall the setup. Something about an inflatable boy with an inflatable family and an inflatable school.

after those jumping castle incidents how dare yous

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

“A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.”

Like.

:)

SCIENCE said:

Divine Angel said:

Kingy said:

I’m busted. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let the stock market down.

There’s a joke with a similar punchline. Unfortunately I can’t recall the setup. Something about an inflatable boy with an inflatable family and an inflatable school.

after those jumping castle incidents how dare yous

You’ve let your class down.
You’ve let the whole school down.
But most of all, you’ve let yourself down.

Part of Adam Hills’ routine.

The Rev Dodgson said:

SCIENCE said:

Divine Angel said:

There’s a joke with a similar punchline. Unfortunately I can’t recall the setup. Something about an inflatable boy with an inflatable family and an inflatable school.

after those jumping castle incidents how dare yous

You’ve let your class down.
You’ve let the whole school down.
But most of all, you’ve let yourself down.

Part of Adam Hills’ routine.

¿oxytocin

Divine Angel said:

Kingy said:

Divine Angel said:

Ah, I found Kingy’s secret

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/hOAuODllwA

I’m busted. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let the stock market down.

There’s a joke with a similar punchline. Unfortunately I can’t recall the setup. Something about an inflatable boy with an inflatable family and an inflatable school.

Little Johnny Bladder.

ChrispenEvan said:

Divine Angel said:

Kingy said:

I’m busted. I’ve let you down, I’ve let myself down, I’ve let the stock market down.

There’s a joke with a similar punchline. Unfortunately I can’t recall the setup. Something about an inflatable boy with an inflatable family and an inflatable school.

Little Johnny Bladder.

Better than Little Johnny Goon Bag.

Little Johnny Onion got a skateboard for Christmas. First time out on it he got cleaned up by a car. Down at the hospital Mr and Mrs Onion had an anxious wait. After indeterminable hours the surgeon finally came out of the operating room. The approached Mr and Mrs Onion. I have some good news and some bad news. Little Johnny will live. Unfortunately he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

ChrispenEvan said:

Little Johnny Onion got a skateboard for Christmas. First time out on it he got cleaned up by a car. Down at the hospital Mr and Mrs Onion had an anxious wait. After indeterminable hours the surgeon finally came out of the operating room. The approached Mr and Mrs Onion. I have some good news and some bad news. Little Johnny will live. Unfortunately he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

now do Tom Ato wait

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if you prune them.

What do you call a wombat interested in meteorology?
a BOMbat

What’s a geologist’s favourite Christmas song?
Jingle Bell Rock

Merry Xmas!

Kingy said:

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if you prune them.

That’s what te sheep said to the shearer. Uclippedus.

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better! “ he boasted.

“I have an 18 year old young woman who is pregnant and expecting my child! What do you think? “

The doctor thought for a moment, then said:

“Let me tell you a story. I knew a passionate hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he rushed out and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued:

“He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and clutched the handle. And you know what happened? “ asked the doctor.

Stunned, the old man replied:

“No what? “

The doctor continued:

“The bear fell dead in front of him”.

“It’s impossible! “ exclaimed the old man.

“Someone else must have shot the bear”.

“That’s kind of what I meant”, the doctor replied.

The Rev Dodgson said:

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better! “ he boasted.

“I have an 18 year old young woman who is pregnant and expecting my child! What do you think? “

The doctor thought for a moment, then said:

“Let me tell you a story. I knew a passionate hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he rushed out and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued:

“He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and clutched the handle. And you know what happened? “ asked the doctor.

Stunned, the old man replied:

“No what? “

The doctor continued:

“The bear fell dead in front of him”.

“It’s impossible! “ exclaimed the old man.

“Someone else must have shot the bear”.

“That’s kind of what I meant”, the doctor replied.

A definitive dad joke.

Peak Warming Man said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better! “ he boasted.

“I have an 18 year old young woman who is pregnant and expecting my child! What do you think? “

The doctor thought for a moment, then said:

“Let me tell you a story. I knew a passionate hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he rushed out and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued:

“He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and clutched the handle. And you know what happened? “ asked the doctor.

Stunned, the old man replied:

“No what? “

The doctor continued:

“The bear fell dead in front of him”.

“It’s impossible! “ exclaimed the old man.

“Someone else must have shot the bear”.

“That’s kind of what I meant”, the doctor replied.

A definitive dad joke.

its final line, or éjaculation shall you say, were unnecessary as indicated

SCIENCE said:

Peak Warming Man said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better! “ he boasted.

“I have an 18 year old young woman who is pregnant and expecting my child! What do you think? “

The doctor thought for a moment, then said:

“Let me tell you a story. I knew a passionate hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he rushed out and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued:

“He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and clutched the handle. And you know what happened? “ asked the doctor.

Stunned, the old man replied:

“No what? “

The doctor continued:

“The bear fell dead in front of him”.

“It’s impossible! “ exclaimed the old man.

“Someone else must have shot the bear”.

“That’s kind of what I meant”, the doctor replied.

A definitive dad joke.

its final line, or éjaculation shall you say, were unnecessary as indicated

Tough crowd.

Should be noted that the oldest paternity confirmed by a DNA test was Les Colley’s fatherhood of his son Oswald at the age of 92.

dv said:

Should be noted that the oldest paternity confirmed by a DNA test was Les Colley’s fatherhood of his son Oswald at the age of 92.

That Les was 92 when Oswald was conceived?

That Les was 92 when the test was done, with Oswald having been around for some years?

Or that Oswald was 92 when the test was done?

OK, I think we need some more humour here.

When does a joke become a true “dad joke”?

..

When it is fully groan.

The Rev Dodgson said:

OK, I think we need some more humour here.

When does a joke become a true “dad joke”?

..

When it is fully groan.

Heh.

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

OK, I think we need some more humour here.

When does a joke become a true “dad joke”?

..

When it is fully groan.

Heh.

fair, would award it high part of scale

The Rev Dodgson said:

OK, I think we need some more humour here.

When does a joke become a true “dad joke”?

..

When it is fully groan.

Ha!

:)

The Rev Dodgson said:

OK, I think we need some more humour here.

When does a joke become a true “dad joke”?

..

When it is fully groan.

When it’s apparent.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When its punchline becomes apparent.

btm said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

OK, I think we need some more humour here.

When does a joke become a true “dad joke”?

..

When it is fully groan.

When it’s apparent.

:)

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

Someone told me to search for rare 40’s songs. I was shocked that adults of my parents era were so risqué.

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

there’s no effin way.

Boris said:

there’s no effin way.

I see.

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Internet: There’s no F in way…

furious said:

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Internet: There’s no F in way…

I was “taken up the garden path” by the taking of “s” out of “safe”.

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Sir Galahad had lost his tongue.

roughbarked said:

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Sir Galahad had lost his tongue.

I’m pretty sure we all got that one.

roughbarked said:

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Sir Galahad had lost his tongue.

Not that one, the elephant one.

Bubblecar said:

furious said:

Bubblecar said:

I don’t get it either.

Internet: There’s no F in way…

I was “taken up the garden path” by the taking of “s” out of “safe”.

A sidetrack.

Bubblecar said:

roughbarked said:

Bubblecar said:

I don’t get it either.

Sir Galahad had lost his tongue.

Not that one, the elephant one.

No f in way.

roughbarked said:

Bubblecar said:

roughbarked said:

Sir Galahad had lost his tongue.

Not that one, the elephant one.

No f in way.

You are running a bit slow this afternoon mr barked.

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Termites eat wood and is the bar wood tender

Cymek said:

Bubblecar said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

Some little jokes from Quora (I don’t get the 3rd one.)

A German tourist decides to visit France. The French immigration officer asks “Occupation?” The German says “No, just visiting.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?”

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?You take the ‘s’ out of ‘safe’ and the ‘f’ out of ‘way’.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. ‘This is no good, Merlin!’ the king exclaimed, ‘Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?’ ‘Ah, sire, just observe.’ said Merlin.He then selected his most worn-out wand. He then inserted it in the gaping hole of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came out and cut t he stick neatly in two. ‘Merlin, you are a genius!’ said King Arthur. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for a ‘short arm’ inspection. Sure enough, each of them has an amputated little Johnny or was damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. ‘Sir Galahad’, exclaimed King Arthur, ‘The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!’ But Sir Galahad was speechless.

I don’t get it either.

Termites eat wood and is the bar wood tender

There’s no f in way that we didn’t get that one.

The Rev Dodgson said:

roughbarked said:

Bubblecar said:

Not that one, the elephant one.

No f in way.

You are running a bit slow this afternoon mr barked.

Doing other things too.

The Rev Dodgson said:

roughbarked said:

Bubblecar said:

Not that one, the elephant one.

No f in way.

You are running a bit slow this afternoon mr barked.

I hope you didn’t search Rare 1940’s Songs, they were apparently all banned. I dunno. They sound authentic but quite risqué.

roughbarked said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

roughbarked said:

No f in way.

You are running a bit slow this afternoon mr barked.

I hope you didn’t search Rare 1940’s Songs, they were apparently all banned. I dunno. They sound authentic but quite risqué.

I have seen some of those i believe. they aren’t real.

Boris said:

roughbarked said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

You are running a bit slow this afternoon mr barked.

I hope you didn’t search Rare 1940’s Songs, they were apparently all banned. I dunno. They sound authentic but quite risqué.

I have seen some of those i believe. they aren’t real.

That’s what I was thinking.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

The Rev Dodgson said:

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

Does he open the bar with a clef T key?

And this is not just a dad joke, it’s a grand dad joke:

A carpet-installer went to a woman’s house to do a job. He was a meticulous worker and took great pains. Eventually, he finished and reached in his back pocket for his cigarettes but couldn’t find them. Then, he spotted a lump under the carpet he had just installed.

Thoroughly exasperated with himself but not wanting to redo the job, he took his spirit level and mashed down the lump, continuing to smooth the surface until one could not tell that anything was there.

He went out to return his tools to his truck and was surprised to see his pack of cigarettes on the seat.

Just then, the woman came out and said, “Have you seen my parakeet?”

Michael V said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest—and closes the bar.

Does he open the bar with a clef T key?

No doubt :)

a friend asked if i had ever tried blindfolded archery. i said i hadn’t. you don’t know what you’re missing he replied.

ChrispenEvan said:

a friend asked if i had ever tried blindfolded archery. i said i hadn’t. you don’t know what you’re missing he replied.

I’ll use that one at my next black-tie dinner.

Tried to start a professional hide and seek club. didn’t work out. seems good players are hard to find.

JudgeMental said:

Tried to start a professional hide and seek club. didn’t work out. seems good players are hard to find.

:)

what’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

a shoe

party_pants said:

what’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

a shoe

:)

Why did the anagram cross the road?

To hear adages and rhythmic words.

btm said:

Why did the anagram cross the road?

To hear adages and rhythmic words.

:)

I’ve only been working at the bicycle factory for 2 days and I’ve already been promoted to spokesman.

Kingy said:

I’ve only been working at the bicycle factory for 2 days and I’ve already been promoted to spokesman.

Spokey dokey

Kingy said:

I’ve only been working at the bicycle factory for 2 days and I’ve already been promoted to spokesman.

Uh-oh.

Michael V said:

Kingy said:

I’ve only been working at the bicycle factory for 2 days and I’ve already been promoted to spokesman.

Uh-oh.

LOL

Kingy said:

I’ve only been working at the bicycle factory for 2 days and I’ve already been promoted to spokesman.

I was sacked from my job at the calendar factory because I took too many days off.

Couple of old risque standards…

Lad – “Dad, how often do you have sex?”
Dad – “Gee, almost every day.”
Lad – “That’s amazing!”
Dad – “I know, right? Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…”

—-

A journalist heard that pilots are sexually hyperactive, so she went down to the airport to do a survey. The first pilot she spotted was quite a senior gentleman.
Journalist – “Hello, I’m doing a survey, may I ask, when was the last time you had sex?”
Pilot – “Oh my dear, I haven’t had sex since 1958.”
Journalist – “Good lord, that’s quite a dry spell.”
Pilot – “Yes I suppose it is, after all it’s 2045 now. “

dv said:

Couple of old risque standards…

Lad – “Dad, how often do you have sex?”
Dad – “Gee, almost every day.”
Lad – “That’s amazing!”
Dad – “I know, right? Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…”

—-

A journalist heard that pilots are sexually hyperactive, so she went down to the airport to do a survey. The first pilot she spotted was quite a senior gentleman.
Journalist – “Hello, I’m doing a survey, may I ask, when was the last time you had sex?”
Pilot – “Oh my dear, I haven’t had sex since 1958.”
Journalist – “Good lord, that’s quite a dry spell.”
Pilot – “Yes I suppose it is, after all it’s 2045 now. “

interesting how they’re always cast in typical gender roles but the good thing about these is that they could be recast without changing the humour

dv said:

Snort …

I applied for a job and one section of the application asked for previous life experience.

I wrote that I was a Pharaoh in 1890BC.

Kingy said:

I applied for a job and one section of the application asked for previous life experience.

I wrote that I was a Pharaoh in 1890BC.

Tut, tut….

Two Jewish men, Aaron and Levi, got lost in the desert. Things were getting desperate, with supplies depleted and the sun beating down. They saw in the distance what appeared to be an Arab caravan, and as they made their way towards it, Aaron said, “we should tell them we’re Muslim so they will be likely to help.”
Levi said, “Not me. Honestly is the best policy. I’ll tell them the truth and whatever God wills will be done.”

When they reached the caravan’s chief he said, “I am Hamza, and who might you be?”

Aaron said, “Abdul, I’m Abdul, As-salamu alaykum!”

Levi said, “I’m Levi, and I tell you plainly I’m a Jew.”

Hamza called to his party, “Quick, bring food and water to our Jewish friend!”

As Levi began drinking and eating, Aaron said, “But brother, where’s my food and drink?”

Hamza laughed, “Abdul, such a kidder! You know very well we won’t break our fast for eight more hours.”

dv said:

Two Jewish men, Aaron and Levi, got lost in the desert. Things were getting desperate, with supplies depleted and the sun beating down. They saw in the distance what appeared to be an Arab caravan, and as they made their way towards it, Aaron said, “we should tell them we’re Muslim so they will be likely to help.”
Levi said, “Not me. Honestly is the best policy. I’ll tell them the truth and whatever God wills will be done.”

When they reached the caravan’s chief he said, “I am Hamza, and who might you be?”

Aaron said, “Abdul, I’m Abdul, As-salamu alaykum!”

Levi said, “I’m Levi, and I tell you plainly I’m a Jew.”

Hamza called to his party, “Quick, bring food and water to our Jewish friend!”

As Levi began drinking and eating, Aaron said, “But brother, where’s my food and drink?”

Hamza laughed, “Abdul, such a kidder! You know very well we won’t break our fast for eight more hours.”

atheists are so disrespectful, atheists are the worst

Kingy said:

I applied for a job and one section of the application asked for previous life experience.

I wrote that I was a Pharaoh in 1890BC.

:)

Neophyte said:

Kingy said:

I applied for a job and one section of the application asked for previous life experience.

I wrote that I was a Pharaoh in 1890BC.

Tut, tut….

Ha!

dv said:

btm said:

dv said:

btm said:

My water supply was cut off for non-payment. I just got a letter from the supplier saying “Get well soon.”

we do have a dad joke thread

I know, but then you’d have known it was a dad joke before you read it.

You’re as cunning as a fox pretending to be a stoat

keep digging

Michael V said:

btm said:

My water supply was cut off for non-payment. I just got a letter from the supplier saying “Get well soon.”

The story of the three holes in the ground: well, well, well.

;)

this is bringing tears to our eyes

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

btm said:

I know, but then you’d have known it was a dad joke before you read it.

You’re as cunning as a fox pretending to be a stoat

keep digging

As funning as a cox?

roughbarked said:

roughbarked said:

SCIENCE said:

dv said:

btm said:

My water supply was cut off for non-payment. I just got a letter from the supplier saying “Get well soon.”

You’re as cunning as a fox pretending to be a stoat

keep digging

——-> dad jokes.

As funning as a cox?

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1JACUBwT4S/

dv said:

omg

dv said:

shakes head

dv said:

:)

ZZKKO

Michael V said:

dv said:

:)

He’s a little fellow in a suit.

Electric car owners are required to have a current license.

Kingy said:

Electric car owners are required to have a current license.

There ought to be a heavy tax on jokes that feeble.

Bubblecar said:

Kingy said:

Electric car owners are required to have a current license.

There ought to be a heavy tax on jokes that feeble.

What sort of charge would apply to such things?

captain_spalding said:

Bubblecar said:

Kingy said:

Electric car owners are required to have a current license.

There ought to be a heavy tax on jokes that feeble.

What sort of charge would apply to such things?

Quite positive I’d charge the earth.

Bubblecar said:

captain_spalding said:

Bubblecar said:

There ought to be a heavy tax on jokes that feeble.

What sort of charge would apply to such things?

Quite positive I’d charge the earth.

You’d meet some resistance.

Kingy said:

Electric car owners are required to have a current license.

I expect there will be some resistance to this

party_pants said:

Kingy said:

Electric car owners are required to have a current license.

I expect there will be some resistance to this

it may short circuit some peoples enthusiasm

dv said:

not to mention the chord

How do you get a caterpillar 100 feet into the air?

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Tip it onto it’s back.

Not a dad joke, but…

…allegedly…

…at a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono called for silence.

When the venue was totally silent, he clapped his hands, once, loudly. He repeated this several times, at intervals of a few seconds.

“every time i clap my hands”, he said, “an African child dies”.

And a loud Glasgow voice called out from the audience

“well, stop doin’ it then, ya fookin’ evil bastard!’.