BREAKING NEWS

worldwide news web

72 hours ago the internet forum world was attacked by a mysterious entity entity tagged only as “wookiemeister”. The sudden appearance and invasion on reason and debate on internet forums have left many casualties. Vast armies of bloggers and you tube afficiandos were seen marching in long columns of dust yesterday, an army of the disposessed, vanquished from internet cafes and chatrooms it was a sad and pitiful sight.

“(It ) was a compete rout” said one victim of the forum invasion, “we’ve got nothing against that kind of reasoning and volume of posts”. Pentagon sources have vainly tried to hold the line by trying to shut down multiple nodes but the invading poster was too strong and many idle laptop users have been assimilated into the “wookie way”. “last week we were just another gardening forum when wookie turned up ; now half of our members are broke and on medication and the other half have been committed, given a another 24 hours and I doubt if there will be anyone else left to discuss the merits of natural shading and water efficiency in the suburban backyard, it’s been a disaster” said one anonymous source.

A small group of the first volunteers agreed to give an interview for the first time to speak on behalf of the wookiemeister. One man known only as “stealth” enthusiastically outlined his new world view, smiling with his new found Zen like wisdom. “Its true, I did resist at first , we all did – then as the walls of the internet came tumbling down I came to realise the genius of wookiemeister and simply surrendered myself completely to his fickle doctrine”. Stealth confided to me that he had given away his fortune via cheque to his holiness Wookiemeister , he now lives in a pair of orange pyjamas on a newly founded wookie retreat.

Another disciple that has fallen under the sway of this alien force called sibeen was found propped up in the shade of a tree of the newly bought wookiemeister estate cradling a bottle of bootleg and a laptop . Once a wealthy man, he too has given away his fortune to finance various hair-brained ideas from wookiemeister that have since fallen on the wayside. “there was going to be a fleet of water bombers you know”, quickly chugging down a large volume of the moonshine he says – “ I still have the faith” , suddenly he falls silent , the bottle smashing on the stone, his head drops backwards to the ground exposing the all too familiar signs of alien assimilation – unkempt 72 hour facial hair growth”.

Quickly appearing with a bottle spray the ring leader of the motley crew gathered in the shade called skunkworks with tactical squirts on unconscious faces ravaged with fatigue. “We are still one hundred percent committed and are moving forward” he said. Calling the troop to attention the group then formed into a large parade ground formation, their orange apparel flapping in the wind they call in unison “all hail wookiemeister!”

more news as it breaks coming soon

its spreading

But what about the silent victims of this invasion? Who can speak for the mad, sad and angry that have now been silenced since the collapse of the internet? W.meister reports on this emerging crisis gripping our cities…

The tents have been set up to deal with the influx of internet refugees fleeing from forums around the country. There are many stories of despair here – one person who we will call “martin” used the internet to spread his own personal message. The shock of the collapse finds him here shuffling around on the sawdust floor of the emergency shelter with thousands of others made homeless. “I’ve become a shell, no one listens to me anymore”, he says “have you any idea of what its like to wake up one day and find out that overnight you’ve become irrelevant? Sometimes i’ve called talkback radio”, he confides. Over the past few days a new disturbing development has come about amongst the throng , those preaching various methods to overcome illness have taken up practicing “medicine” amongst the needy. Martin carries a doctors case with him and will often confront people with a large cow syringe as long and wide as your forearm – “its good for you!!”, he exhorts. At one point he tried injecting me as I turned my back but the needle had become irreparably bent days ago leaving me with a small bruise.

Over in the women’s emergency shelter nearby there must have been over a hundred beds surrounded by curtain separators. A converted basketballs facility the air con has been left on, leaving the air with an almost imperceptible chill in the air. The patients here are women are those who have become disposed , forced to flee as the internet was closed down leaving households in dire straits. “I don’t expect to find much when – if I return to my house. There might be a few walls missing , my husband will probably have started doing DIY around the place, so no I don’t expect much left after the end of this business”, she take a sip of fortified wine that sits on a small bed side table – straight from the bottle. “its important that we keep their spirits up” says the nurse looking after these fallen women as we tour the wing. The facility is virtually silent except for the turning of pages of second-hand books that can be found in the temporary library – a motley crew of well thumbed 50 shades of grey and old puzzler magazines. “its essential to keep their blood sugars up during the day”, says another nurse “no loud noise, we allow some entertainment but the doctors have stipulated that only reruns of “escape to the country” be shown no later than 9pm”. As I leave the shelter I suddenly realise that these are desperate times indeed.

edit

disposessed not disposed

fascinating

i never realised my posts were so arousing

wookiemeister said:

i never realised my posts were so arousing

They’re not!!