Date: 15/08/2008 10:42:36
From: cackles
ID: 28480
Subject: Friday puns

HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES – We know who you are !!!!!!!

I wondered why the golfball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The thief, who also stole a calendar, got twelve months.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We’ll never run out of math teachers because they continue to multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that his earthquake theory was on shaky Ground.

Dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Caution: If you take a laptop computer when you are out for a run, you could jog your memory.

The dentist and the manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway .

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

A calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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Date: 15/08/2008 10:45:53
From: Lucky1
ID: 28482
Subject: re: Friday puns

Why is a packet of Allen’s Snakes Alive called this????

As all the snakes in the packet are dead.

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Date: 15/08/2008 12:16:21
From: bluegreen
ID: 28495
Subject: re: Friday puns

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Removing wood from the barbie because it is too hot.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather’s cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks – from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eat’s the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won’t go.
CURSOR: What you say when the ute won’t go.
YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter
lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keep’s borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the
net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing end’s up when the pegs aren’t strong
enough.

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