Type “Find chuck norris” in google and hit the “I feel lucky” button:)
He he I got that yesterday and thought it was very good too :)
Lucky1 said:
Type “Find chuck norris” in google and hit the “I feel lucky” button:)
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, ‘My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a Doctor.’
‘Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,’
Mike replies. ‘There’s a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings.
Just Give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and What to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.’
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
Takes it to Bunnings.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for The urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
‘You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water And avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.’
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, Urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm Sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a solicitor.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings
jeez, Bunnings has changed since I left the country…
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these ‘Chinese
customs’, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another ‘Chinese custom’, he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull’s
bum.
The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says ‘Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull’s bum, it could just about shit on you.’
The Chinese man is very taken back and says ‘Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.’
‘What do you mean mate’ says the Aussie, ‘Those aren’t
Australian customs.’
‘Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me’ replied the Chinese
man,’ He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
piss, and listen to bull-shit’
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.”
“Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”
“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.”
PONDERISMS
CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
________________________________________
HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
________________________________________
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO “PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN”.. BUT IT’S ONLY A “PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS”? WHERE’S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?
________________________________________
ONCE YOU’RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
________________________________________
WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
________________________________________
WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
________________________________________
HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
________________________________________
WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY “SLEPT LIKE A BABY” WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
________________________________________
IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?
________________________________________
WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU’RE ON TV?
________________________________________
WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?
________________________________________
WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY’RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
________________________________________
WHY IS “BRA” SINGULAR AND “PANTIES” PLURAL?
________________________________________
WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
________________________________________
IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?
________________________________________
CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ?
________________________________________
IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN’T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
________________________________________
WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS? THEY’RE BOTH DOGS!
________________________________________
IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN’T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
________________________________________
IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
________________________________________
IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
________________________________________
DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
________________________________________
WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
________________________________________
DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG’S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?
________________________________________
Lucky1 said:
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in CanberraThe smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big Croc, “what have you been eating?”
“Politicians, same as you,” replied the small Croc.
“Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?”
“Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.”
“Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?”
“Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ‘em!”
“Ah!” says the big Crocodile, “I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.”
LOL.
LOL! Some of those ponderisms were very funny!
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man’s car bumper. Then he yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull.” Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled, “Come on, pull Ranger.” Still, Benny didn’t move. Then he yelled really loud, “Now pull, Fred, pull hard.” Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Okay, Benny, pull.” Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, “Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.”
Subject: AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies, not good for anything but
they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
STOP CHOKING – AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her. Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey The woman signalled ‘No!’, desperately shaking her head.Kin ya breathe?’ asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack ofher butt. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bazza said in admiration ‘Ya know Bluey, I’d heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.’>that’s the first time I ever seen somebody do it.’
LOL!
Funniest joke I have ever heard (I think anyway).
Q. Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A. Because Noddy wont pay the ransom.
shell bell said:
Funniest joke I have ever heard (I think anyway).Q. Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A. Because Noddy wont pay the ransom.
Made me larf too.
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS
AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, ‘GO UP TO THE FIRST
TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I’M NOT WASTING
TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON’T KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.’
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD
MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, ‘YOU
KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!’
‘DEAD?’ SAYS HIS FRIEND, ‘WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE
TIME I WAS LOVING HER.’
HIS FRIEND SAYS, ‘COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS
A WITCH.’
‘A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?’
‘WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON
THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW… TOOK MY
TEETH WITH HER!’
‘A WITCH ??.
=
LOL
Tea with Daddy……
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom
came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur t o you that the only place that baby
can reach to get water is the toilet?’
lol
PMSL :-)
Okay this is really naughty……. only of you have a very broad mind….
And no you can not use this is maths class Veg Gardener…………… Auntie Lucky says no take to school….
Lucky1 said:
Okay this is really naughty……. only of you have a very broad mind….And no you can not use this is maths class Veg Gardener…………… Auntie Lucky says no take to school….
Helps to put the link in doesn’t it…LOL
http://www.joke-pages.com/jokes/images/org-calc.swf
Remember VG ….not takey to schoolie.
y cant i i cant see it yet any way
lol i wont take it to school
veg gardener said:
y cant i i cant see it yet any way
Remember…no take to school.
Lucky1 said:
veg gardener said:
y cant i i cant see it yet any way
Remember…no take to school.
kk i wont take it to school
veg gardener said:
lol i wont take it to school
Good lad:)
yes Auntie Lucky can i call u that
veg gardener said:
yes Auntie Lucky can i call u that
Only when your being naughty….
kk but i wasnt being bad just then
A dog is truly a man’s best friend.
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?
Lucky1 said:
A dog is truly a man’s best friend.If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?
lol ur dog
Mildred, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend , or deny… He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… Walked home.. And left it there all night.
You Gotta love George.
Lucky1 said:
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… Walked home.. And left it there all night.You Gotta love George.
hee hee :D
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can’t eat it or hump it,
Piss on it and walk away.
That was so funny it didn’t copy… back to the bikkies…
Lucky1 said:
That was so funny it didn’t copy… back to the bikkies…
yeah lucky that was a nice funny post… u forgot to paste stuff thier
by the way – i loved the old bloke who parked his car out the front of the gossips place – i’m fishing on sunday so will have to use that one.
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra “Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?”
“ I can cut them for you “ said the chemist “ but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. “
“ I am 96 “ said the old man . “ I don ‘ t want an erection .
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers. “speaking of funny…did anybody watch last night at 12:30 on ABC Marshal Law? very quick witted humor with lawyers being main characters, shot in Melbourne.
aquarium said:
very quick witted humor with lawyers being shot in Melbourne.
fixed that for ya aquarium ;-)
thanks boppa,
they do have a bad reputation…like car sellers.
i work next to legal department…they’ve sharp minds though. sometimes feel rather pale in comparison to those minds…even though they don’t even attempt to make me feel inferior. interesting people.
boppa said:
aquarium said:
very quick witted humor with lawyers being shot in Melbourne.fixed that for ya aquarium ;-)
if lawyers aren’t getting shot then their cars are being set alight.
As was the case of Nicola Gobbo’s Bmw in south Melb.
who knows maybe it’ll be episode 14 of “UNDERBELLY”
anyway here’s my little ditty:
I wonder if Heather Mills gets any Beatles in her garden any more…….. LOL
maybe I could get one in my Garden that’ll gimme over 50 million bucks.
Now is that considered a good or bad garden Pest??????????????
Catching up on all the blogs I like to read… this is funy
http://madquilter.blogspot.com/2008/04/vasectomy-song.html
A`song on “Vasectomy”
Another one…
“hubby song”
http://madquilter.blogspot.com/2008/04/husband-song.html
Another one… “Come to Australia” from the Scared little weird guys.”
http://www.melinanutshell.com/2008/04/come-visit-australia.html
Love them:D
Told you I was taking it easy today……:P
A young cowboy arrives at the cafe for lunch. He sees the old cowboy sitting alone. “Mind if I join you?”. “Sure” says the old cowboy.
The young cowboy notices the old cowboy has a large steaming bowl of chilli. The old cowboy is just staring at it, his eyes watering..
After a few minutes the young cowboy says “Are you going to eat that?”.
“Nope.”
“Mind if I eat it?” the young cowboy asks.
“Nope”
The young cowboy grabs a big spoon and gets into the big bowlful..
When the bowl is nearly empty, the young cowboy sees the squashed dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. He is repulsed. His stomach heaves and he vomits the chilli back into the bowl.
“Yep” the old cowboy said. “That’s about where I got to too”.
“Yep” the old cowboy said. “That’s about where I got to too”.
———————————————
ROTFL
Oh dear… that is so funy
Lucky1 said:
“Yep” the old cowboy said. “That’s about where I got to too”.
———————————————
ROTFLOh dear… that is so funy
Ewwwwwwwww – yuck! But yes, very funny!
The following is a letter home to Eromanga, in the far SW of Queensland, from a kid in the Army:
Dear Mum and Dad,
Hope youse are well. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm.
I woz a bit slow settling in at first because ya have to get outta bed at 6am. But I like sleeping in now, coz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed, shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs – no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum makes. Ya don’t get fed again till noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a route march – Jeez it’s only like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!
This will kill Phil and Doug – I keep gettin medals for shootin’! The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move. It’s not even firing back at ya and ya don’t need to steady yourself against the rollbar of the ute to reload!
I wrestle with the city boys but they break easy – not like fightin’ with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza after the muster. I’m not a bad boxer either – I’ve only been beaten by one bloke from the Engineers. He’s six-foot-five, 15 stone and three pick-handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only five-foot-seven and eight stone wringin wet.
Tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is and the good jobs are gone.
Your loving daughter, Sheila.
A bit of fun…
http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf
Nothing scary or rude.
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’
‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’
‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’
The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’
The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…You must be a POLITICIAN’
Lucky1 said:
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.‘Oh please excuse me,’ said the bunny. ‘I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.’
‘That’s perfectly all right,’ replied the snake. ‘To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?’
‘Well, I really don’t know,’ said the bunny. ‘I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.’
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, ‘Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!’
The bunny said, ‘I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?’
The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, ‘Well, what kind of an animal am I?’
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, ‘You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…You must be a POLITICIAN’
lol
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.” said Tommy.
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
hahahaha thats a cack!
LOL :)
John, the farmer, was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Farmer John’s time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, but on this particular morning, John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on the pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result… The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prizebut they awarded him the Pulletsurpriseas well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.
Oh dear oh dear…my face is aching from laughing…I must show it to Mr D…
ROFLPMP!
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a Bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?’
LOl, Good one Lucky!
Lucky1 said:
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a Bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?’
LOL.
Thus oz a finny wun aye! the Tixidermist
A bloke walks into a bar inNew Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, ‘You ain’t from around here, are ya?’ The guy says, ‘No, I’m from Canada.’ The bartender says, ‘What do you do in Canada?’ The guy says, ‘I’m a taxidermist.’ The bartender says, ‘A tixidermist? What the heck is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?’ ‘No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.’ The bartender grins and yells, ‘He’s okay boys. He’s one of us.’Zen Sarcasms
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn , so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments
.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed…… skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a women – Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Zen Sarcasms
Very good, thanks Lucky LOL
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
“Fishing or Sex?” and she said: “Wear sun-block.”
Lucky1 said:
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
“Fishing or Sex?” and she said: “Wear sun-block.”
hee hee hee
Bit long winded…….but worth the read in a world gone silly.
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Housing Commission of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house.
The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing ‘We Shall Overcome’.
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ‘fair share’ and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home, and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society – in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilizes it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians’ apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper’s drug ‘Illness’.
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10 million and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.
Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia ‘s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid $1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia .
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
Very clever and a good read, funny too. Thanks Lucky :)
The word service
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word ‘Service.’ It is the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard these terms which reference the word Service:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word ‘Service.’ This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant. So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few of his cows.
BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those ‘Service’ agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
hee hee hee
BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those ‘Service’ agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
————————————-
Oh so true…so true.
ROFL BG!
orchid40 said:
ROFL BG!
actually, have to thank Yeehah for that one – she emailed it to me :D
Drylander sent me this link….worth the gawk….
http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm
Lucky1 said:
Drylander sent me this link….worth the gawk….http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm
Good one
!
lol bg
I’ll reply to this later.
Lucky1 said:
Drylander sent me this link….worth the gawk….http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm
LOL, Good one!
Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a Party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave His best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.’
The second guy said, ‘Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where He owns the majority of its assets He’s so rich that he gave his best Friend a brand new jet for his birthday.’
The third man said: ‘Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the Best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction Company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his Birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.’
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth Returned from the restroom and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations for?’
One of the three said: ‘We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. …What about your son?’
The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.’
The three friends said: ‘What a shame… What a disappointment.’
The fourth man replied: ‘No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he Received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and A top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’
haha – it pays to be honest.
Thanks for the early morning chuckle. A good way to start the day. Could you do it every day please?
pomolo said:
Thanks for the early morning chuckle. A good way to start the day. Could you do it every day please?
I could try……lol
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Whooosh! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant ‘Take another drink’!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Whooosh! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild.The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant ‘Take another drink’!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Whooosh! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks!!
the boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right, right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says… (wait for it) (take a deep breath) ‘He should have quit while he was a head!’Lucky1 said:
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Whooosh! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant ‘Take another drink’!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Whooosh! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild.The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant ‘Take another drink’!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down,grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Whooosh! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees, tearfully giving thanks!!the boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right, right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says… (wait for it) (take a deep breath) ‘He should have quit while he was a head!’
How did they know the head was a boy? :P
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud
rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old
rooster and says,
‘OK old fart, time for you to retire.’
The old rooster replies, ‘Come on, surely you cannot
handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can’t you just let me have the two old hens over in the
corner?’
The young rooster says,
‘Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.’
The old rooster says,
‘I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain
over the entire chicken coop.’ The young rooster
laughs.
‘You know you don’t stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.’
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining
fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squalking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
– BOOM –
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes
his head and
says,
‘Dammit…..
Third gay rooster I bought this month.’
Moral of this Story? …
Don’t mess with the OLD FARTS –
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Young Jack bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up with no trailer and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
Jack replied, ‘ That’s OK then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went down town and spent it already.’
Jack said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?
Jack said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’
Jack said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Jack and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’
Jack said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Jack said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
Jack eventually grew up and now works in a town near you.
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008 so far
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts .
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,’ the man shouted, ‘that’s not what I said!’
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.’
‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked.
‘No,’ the man shouted, ‘this is her husband!’
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, the y putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!?
Number 6 is my favourite… :D
Quote for the day:
‘Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.’
So – if you give her crap , you will get a bucket full of shit.
ROFL. Thanks Lucky :)
bon008 said:
ROFL. Thanks Lucky :)
Hi Bon, I thought that was so true…LOL
Haha, really good – and true!
Good one!!
So look out you blokes …………… ;-)
Oh yeah, ain’t it the truth…
Lucky1 said:
Quote for the day:‘Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.’
So – if you give her crap , you will get a bucket full of shit.
Mr Y says you’re a classic!!!!!!
Yeehah said:
Lucky1 said:
Quote for the day:‘Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.’
So – if you give her crap , you will get a bucket full of shit.
Mr Y says you’re a classic!!!!!!
:D
Irish Coffee
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it
a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute
nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn’t good?’
‘Feckin jaysus, ‘twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m
sittin here, I’ll never be able to show me face in that coffee shop again!’
Retirement Dinner
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’…
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.’
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Gee hope the Irish coffee joke didn’t offend anyone……if it did ….very sorry:(
Lucky1 said:
Gee hope the Irish coffee joke didn’t offend anyone……if it did ….very sorry:(
Not me! :D I am about to copy and paste and send to someone else whom I’m sure will appreciate it also!
IRISH SPEEDOS
Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn’t seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate, it’s obvious,’ says the lifeguard, ‘you’re wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They’re years outta style. You ‘re best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos – About two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside ‘em. I’m tellin’ ya mate…you’ll have all the babes ya want!’ The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, ‘What’s wrong now?’ JAHEESUS!’ said the lifeguard, ‘Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!’ROTFLUTS!!!
sniff it’s beautiful…!
Dinetta said:
ROTFLUTS!!!sniff it’s beautiful…!
That was the Irish Coffee Joke…I didn’t realise there were a few more….
(still larf’n)
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife noticed a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, she asked her husband to stop and got out to see if it was still alive.
‘Poor little thing, it`s nearly frozen to death` she said, `can we take it with us and let it go in the morning when it`s warmed up?’
‘OK` he says, `get in the car with it.’
‘Where`s the best place to put it to get it warm?’
He says, ‘It’s nice and warm between your legs, put it there’.
‘But what about the smell?’ asked the wife.
He says, ‘Just hold its little nose.’
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
That cracked me up. But I didn’t get it. Ahem!
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and
they made passionate love.
>
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, ‘Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?’ Carol agreed and again they made love.
>
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carol ‘s shoulder and said, ‘Darling?Please? Just one more time before I die?’ She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.
>
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. ‘Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we…?’
>
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, ‘Listen, I’m not trying to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning – you don’t……’
ha ha ha ha :D
ROFL!!!
YOUR PARROT IS DEAD, SENOR
At dawn the telephone rings, ‘Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.’
‘Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?’
‘Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead’
‘My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?’
‘Is, Senor, that’s the one.’
‘Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?’
‘From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.’
‘Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?’
‘Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.’
‘Dead horse? What dead horse?’
‘The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.’
‘My prize thoroughbred is dead?’
‘Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.’
‘Are you insane?? What water cart?’
‘The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.’
‘Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??’
‘The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.’
‘What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!’
‘Yes, Senor Rod.’
‘But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?’
‘For the funeral, Senor Rod.’
‘WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!’
‘Your wife’s, Senor Rod’, she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade R580 XD golf club.’
SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE .. . .. . . . . .
‘Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit!!’
chuckle
LOL, A good one Lucky!!!
This is a story of true love I wish to share with you all — enjoy!!
A CAPE BRETON LOVE STORY An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Cape Breton wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon
“F off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’
Another cracker Lucky !! LOL
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: ‘USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!’
The Chinese laundry man became very annoyed, and when her clean Laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: ‘I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!’
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200..
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)
6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار . صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من > الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
very amusing Lucky :)
i have been recently thinking along those same lines…that the education system churns out already well “oiled” minds. come to think of it…kids hardly need 12 years of school to come out knowing almost nothing about the real world. just helps spin the economy wheel i guess. i’m getting dizzy.
Lucky1 said:
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200..5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available)6. Teaching Maths 2018
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار . صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من > الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
The Pastor’s Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and
you’ll be a lot happier
and live longer.
Have a nice day!
Ha ha ha
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man’s intoxication.
The Police officer said ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station – this breathalyser equipment must be broken.’
‘I doubt it,’ said the man, ‘tonight I’m the designated decoy’.
I like it!
This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Holden Calaise
Doing 110 kms per hr
With her
Face up next to her
Rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds !
And when I looked back she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man,
I don’t scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,
Which knocked
The meat pie
Out of my other hand.
In all
The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car
Using my knees against
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Mobile phone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into the coffee
Between my legs,
Splashed,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
Ruined the darn phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Bloody women drivers!!
A man walks into a restaurant with an full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke” and turns to the ostrich.
“What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” replies the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be $6.40 please,” says the waitress.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact money for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?”“ asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be $12.62.”
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I’d just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
‘I’m sorry,’ St Peter said; ‘But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.’
‘That’s cool’ said the blonde, ‘What does the Entrance Exam consist of?
‘Just three questions’ said St Peter.
‘Which are?’ asked the blonde.
‘The first,’ said St Peter, ‘is, which two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’ ‘?
The second is ‘How many seconds are there in a year?’
The third is ‘What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
Now,’ said St Peter, ‘Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.’
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, ‘I have.’
‘Well then,’ said St Peter, ‘Which two days of the week start with the letter T?’
The blonde said, ‘Today and Tomorrow.’
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
‘Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?’
St Peter went on, ‘how many seconds in a year?’
The Blonde replied, ‘Twelve!’
‘Only twelve?’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘How did you arrive at that figure?’
‘Easy,’ said the blonde, ‘there’s the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.’
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, ‘I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.’ And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. ‘I’ll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?’
The blonde replied: ‘Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.’
‘Really!’ exclaimed St Peter, ‘And what is the answer?’
‘It’s Andy.’
‘Andy??’
‘Yes, Andy,’ said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked ‘How in God’s name did you arrive at THAT answer?’
‘Easy’ said the blonde, ‘Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.’
And the blonde entered Heaven…
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.
I really do like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..
I joined a health club last year,spent about $400 Haven’t lost a single kilo yet. Apparently you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads.
AND Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.LOL – very good, very funny, very true!
God Loves Blondes !!
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… ‘God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.’ Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays… ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’ Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… ‘My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house and my car. I don’t often ask You for help and I’ve always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.’ Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself…. ‘Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.’Canadian Medical Association researchers have made a
remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may
benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you’d like to know.
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t..
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7… Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken,a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000’ the jeweller said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now , and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,’ he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about my weekend!’
Not All Seniors Are Senile.
Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.’
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. ‘When white man find land,
Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man
spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’
‘Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.’
————
ROTFPIMP
luv dumb jokes
Sometimes I wake up grumpy……and other times I let him sleep :)
‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’
——-
true too
when they were found by whiteman – the indians of california were able to walk down to the river and catch big fish by hand. well – the streams were teeming with fish anyhoo.
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, “Top o’ the mornin’ to ye!
Aren’tye Mrs. Donovan and didn’t I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?”
She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”
The Father asked, “And be there any wee ones yet?”
She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”
The Father said, “Well now, I’m going to Rome next week and I’ll light a candle for ye and yer husband.”
She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.”
They parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked,“Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”
She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!”
The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”
She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!”
The Father said, “That’s wonderful!” How is yer loving husband doing?”
She replied, “E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candles! “
“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this’un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that..
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
“You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise
out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!”
“Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!”
“He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shotgun through the
window of the coop.”
“As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking’ up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old
Zeke stuck his cold nose on Daddy’s butt!”
“Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock thisbmornin’!”
“arrrrrgh!”
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they
all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave!’ The old man frowned and replied, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’
Old men may move slow but can still think fast
One Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
‘Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,’ the Postman comments.Derek, in obvious pain, replies ‘Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.’
The Postman thinks a moment and says, ‘How do you play WHO AM I?’
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.’
The Postman laughs and says, ‘Sounds like fun. I’m sorry I missed that.’ ‘Probably a good thing you did,’ Derek responded. ‘Your name came up seven times….Irish Boy’s Confession
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, Dicky?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’
‘Well, Dicky, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Mary Walsh?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Brown?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Margaret Doyle?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Anne O’ Neil?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Catherine O’ Tool, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’
Dicky walks back to his pew.
His friend Tommy slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
.
.
.
‘4 Months holiday AND five good leads’.
LOL LOL LOL!!
I’ve copied and forwarded to MrD…
:0
Lucky1 said:
Irish Boy’s Confession‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, Dicky?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’
‘Well, Dicky, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Mary Walsh?’‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Brown?’‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Margaret Doyle?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Anne O’ Neil?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Catherine O’ Tool, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.’Dicky walks back to his pew.
His friend Tommy slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
.
.
.
‘4 Months holiday AND five good leads’.
That’s funny. lol.
Little Johnny’s at it again….. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
* * * * * * * * * * *Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
* * * * * * * * * * *The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.‘Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’
* * * * * * * * * * *Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the GAS guy wants to buy Mom .’
* * * * * * * * * * *Hotdamn, he’s good!
LOLOL!
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????
That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
not humour wise – no – on behave of all of us here at the forum – your humour is the most warped LOL.
pepe said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
not humour wise – no – on behave of all of us here at the forum – your humour is the most warped LOL.
So your the reason they (channel) sees fit to put the show on 3 times last night. I’m afraid that show doesn’t do anything for me. No offence tho Lucky1.
pepe said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
not humour wise – no – on behave of all of us here at the forum – your humour is the most warped LOL.
pomolo said:
pepe said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
not humour wise – no – on behave of all of us here at the forum – your humour is the most warped LOL.
So your the reason they (channel) sees fit to put the show on 3 times last night. I’m afraid that show doesn’t do anything for me. No offence tho Lucky1.
Oh your okay Pomolo…your honest…..:D
Elf had to turn his TV up in the rumpus room as I was laughing so much….
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
Me :) I love it………and I can’t get over some of the stuff they get away with at 7.00 timeslot.
Mornin All. Just a quick pop in at morning smoko.
Muschee said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
Me :) I love it………and I can’t get over some of the stuff they get away with at 7.00 timeslot.
Mornin All. Just a quick pop in at morning smoko.
YYYYAAAAYYYYYY Muschee…….. I know…… its so funny……
Lucky1 said:
Muschee said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
Me :) I love it………and I can’t get over some of the stuff they get away with at 7.00 timeslot.
Mornin All. Just a quick pop in at morning smoko.
YYYYAAAAYYYYYY Muschee…….. I know…… its so funny……
They will have to call it ’3 men’ soon……Jake is growing up, I think his voice has even broken
They will have to call it ‘3 men’ soon……Jake is growing up, I think his voice has even broken
——————————————-
I love how they show sometimes at the start, how much he has grown:)
Such quickness between all them with their lines:)
So Judith is pregnant….LOL….gonna be funny :D:D
Lucky1 said:
They will have to call it ‘3 men’ soon……Jake is growing up, I think his voice has even broken
——————————————-
I love how they show sometimes at the start, how much he has grown:)Such quickness between all them with their lines:)
So Judith is pregnant….LOL….gonna be funny :D:D
Yep a recipe for disaster, I just know it……..it’s gonna get even more funny.
hmm back to work :(
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
I started watching it because Bing Bang Theory was on afterwards – you would always catch the end of TAAHM. Never would have watched it otherwise – but now I really like it :)
bon008 said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
I started watching it because Bing Bang Theory was on afterwards – you would always catch the end of TAAHM. Never would have watched it otherwise – but now I really like it :)
Sweet……….sure beats H & A on channel 7:)
Lucky1 said:
bon008 said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
I started watching it because Bing Bang Theory was on afterwards – you would always catch the end of TAAHM. Never would have watched it otherwise – but now I really like it :)
Sweet……….sure beats H & A on channel 7:)
The theme music from H&A would drive me up the wall…..OH would sometimes leave it on, on purpose and turn it up real loud, just to get up my nose.
Luckily I have ways to repay him :) :)
Lucky1 said:
pomolo said:
pepe said:
Lucky1 said:
Just wondering …. does anyone watch “Two & a half men”?????That show cracks me up every time I see it:D
Is there anyone as warped as me …humor wise???
not humour wise – no – on behave of all of us here at the forum – your humour is the most warped LOL.
So your the reason they (channel) sees fit to put the show on 3 times last night. I’m afraid that show doesn’t do anything for me. No offence tho Lucky1.
Oh your okay Pomolo…your honest…..:D
Elf had to turn his TV up in the rumpus room as I was laughing so much….
its alright lucky i like it but dont watch it every night,i always say ill watch it and then forget.
Sadly, I laugh until I’m breathless at some television shows and my family walk away as these shows leave them unmoved.
Can’t remember which ones, but also I find funny bits in television shows as well, but my family don’t get it…as in I think there’s an aside or a double-meaning … sometimes MrD’s family laugh until tears flow at their own jokes but I find my time better spent reading a book…It depends on the individual…did a course in comedy and tragedy at Uni…still doing it in my head I think…
Milk Bath For a Blonde
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 50 litres of milk instead of the usual amount.
When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 5.0 litres so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.
The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, “Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 50 litres of milk. Did you mean 5.0 litres?”
The blonde said, “I want 50 litres. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurised?”
The blonde replied, “Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this… Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. ‘But we didn’t use them,’ the man complains. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have,’ Explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. ‘The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,’ the Manager says. ‘But we didn’t go to any of those shows, ‘complains the man again.. ‘Well, we have them, and you could have,’ the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, ‘But we didn’t use it!’ The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. ‘But sir,’ he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.’ ‘That’s correct,’ says the man. ‘I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.’ ‘But I didn’t!’ exclaims the Manager. ‘Well, too bad,’ the man replies. ‘She was here and you could have..’
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational …
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
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.
.
And don’t you just know it, when these two banks merge, it would still be full of bloody wankers.
Where do you get these Lucky… heehee :D
bon008 said:
Where do you get these Lucky… heehee :D
People send emails saying how their days are going and to touch base……. me I get jokes….LOL
Morning Bon… I’m cleaning the house.
And don’t you just know it, when these two banks merge, it would still be full of bloody wankers.
——
very clever LOL
hi lucky one.
Lucky1 said:
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational …
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
And don’t you just know it, when these two banks merge, it would still be full of bloody wankers.
I love any joke about bluddy banks.
>I love any joke about bluddy banks.
I hope to ind the result of my ombudsman complaint about the bank’s credit card practices this week… 8^)
Well I’ve actually managed to get one new garden bed down. Forgotten how much work is involved.
Just trying to get the edge bricks to look level & in line is a chore in itself.
But No1 bed is happening :) Transplanted a few silverbeet into it and put down some frilly pink lettuce seeds. In the morning I will throw in some more seed. Will look into that later tonite.
I feel dirty and hungry so I’m off to sort myself out.
Oops put that in the wrong post : /
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and
knocked at the farmhouse door.
“Is your Dad home”? the farmer asked.
“Sorry sir, he isn’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”
“Well,” said the farmer, “Is your mum here?”
“No, sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Greg? Is he here?”
“He went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do for ya?” the boy asked politely. “I know where
all the tools are if you want to borrow one.
Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad.
It’s about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment.
“You’d have to talk to Dad about that,” he finally conceded.. “If it helps
you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull
and $150 for the pig, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Greg.”
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’,
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot…
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband… He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’
The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’
You’re going to love this…….. ……… ..You’re going to hate yourself for loving this!……. …
‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’Peking Duck is well tasty.
FREE! YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbour’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES. Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog . . able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
FOR SALE – Small herd of COWS – NEVER BRED. also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell Hotpoint washer/drier £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once, by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one:
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set – Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.. £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month and wife knows everything.
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE …
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger.
‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass.
Yet, a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and
a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by t he little girl’s
intelligence, thinks about it and says,
‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies,
‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power
when you don’t know shit?
> NATAL CURRY CONTEST
> If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
> For those of you who have lived in Natal (South Africa), you know how typical this is.They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
>
t takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting From America.
>
>
>
> Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>
>
> CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…
>
> Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.
>
>
>
> CHILI #2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…
>
> Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
>
> Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer When they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…
>
> Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
>
> Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…
>
> Judge # 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
>
> Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> CHILI # 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
>
> Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed pramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
>
> Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…
>
> Judge # 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
>
> Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing- it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> CHILI # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…
>
> Judge # 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?
>
>
Very funny. Curry is hot enough for me without adding chillies. LOL.
Hehe, I’d be judge two…wonder how he’d go with a really hot curry? LOL!
I like my chillies. :D
DEAR ABBY ….
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust.
He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.
It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t
know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for 15 years and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.
Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.
Now what do I do
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’
‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird’
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’
‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag…. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!’
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational…
He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man..’
‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.
‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’
‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’
‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….’
Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’
‘Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!’
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. *
*Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’ **He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. *
*Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’ *
*Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’ *
*He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. *
*Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’ *
*Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘ *
*They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’ *
*The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. *
*They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. *
*At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’ *
*Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’ *
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!
If you don’t laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle…. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
———
ok that one got a smile – proves i’m only half dead.
thanks lucky
Lucky1 said:
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. * *Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’ **He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. *
*Shamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’ *
*Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’ *
*He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. *
*Shamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’ *
*Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘ *
*They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.’ *
*The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. *
*They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. *
*At the tenth pub Shamus said ‘Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!’ *
*Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’ *
LOLOLOL!!!!
gonna die larf’n here!
:D
I get so many funny jokes….. some aren’t fit for here though……LOL
Lucky1 said:
I get so many funny jokes….. some aren’t fit for here though……LOL
True, true!
A woman found a note from her husband one morning.
My Dear Wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be upset – I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table. My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference 18 goes into 54 a lot more times that 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
GOODNIGHT!
Bad Lucky bad Lucky…….. I shall stop….But “I’ll be back” ;P
Lucky1 said:
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
GOODNIGHT!
snicker
good one :D
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference 18 goes into 54 a lot more times that 54 goes into 18.
+++++++++++
love that twist!
Olef and Sven were fishing on the Michigan opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
‘Yiminy Cricket!’ exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. ‘Vere dit yew git dat monster??’
‘Vell,’ replied Olef, ‘I got it from my Genie.’
‘You haff a Genie?’ Sven asked.
‘Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Olef.
‘Could I see him?’
Olef opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master.? Vill you grant me vun vish?’
‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie..
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks….flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olef,? ‘Yumpin’ Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
Ole answers, ‘Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?”
:D
naughty but funny…
a gardeners exercise plan…
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as
you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
bluegreen said:
a gardeners exercise plan…Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend
your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as
you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer.After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where
you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level)After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
HO! Ho! HO!
good one BlueGreen!!
:D
bluegreen said:
a gardeners exercise plan…After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.
ROFL.. perfect for me :D
Some of the artists of the 60’s
are revising their hits.
They include;
Hermans Hermits – Mrs Brown you’ve got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees – How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack – First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon – 50 ways to lose your liver.
The Commodores – Once,twice,three times to the bathroom.
Marvin Gaye – Heard it through the grape nuts.
Procol Harem – A whiter shade of hair.
Leo Sayer – You make me feel like napping.
The Temptations – Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba – Denture Queen
Helen Reddy – I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore – It’s my proceedure and I’ll cry if I want to.
And my favourite…Willy Nelson – On the commode again.
AT 5 MINUTES AND 6 SECONDS AFTER 4 A.M.,
ON THE 7TH OF AUGUST, THIS YEAR,
THE TIME AND DATE WILL BE:
04:05:06 07-08-09THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL THE YEAR 3009!!!
I had a deep feeling that you just needed to know this.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like …… night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.
10. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
18. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
A senior citizen goes for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, “I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife yells back to him, “GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS.”
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
bluegreen said:
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him…
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
Luv funny Ha, Has BG.
bluegreen said:
A senior citizen goes for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.When the doctor enters the examination room he says, “I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.”
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?”
The wife yells back to him, “GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS.”
ROTFLUTS!!!!
What a beauty!
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME !
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE……
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
Lucky1 said:
…
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.Sincerely, Edna
heeheehee :)
Gold!!!
THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL YOU POPPYS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
A six year old goes to the hospital with her Nanna to visit her Pop.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Nanna and bursts into her Pop’s room… “Pop, Pop” she says excitedly, “As soon as Nanna comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”
“What?” said her Pop. “Make a noise like a frog because Nanna said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !”
>“What?” said her Pop. “Make a noise like a frog because Nanna said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !”
Speaking of croaking…
Not really connected, but…
colliewa said:
>“What?” said her Pop. “Make a noise like a frog because Nanna said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disneyland !”Speaking of croaking…
Not really connected, but…
ewwwww!!
I thought that was going to be a feel-good frog story :(
Two aliens landed in a desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader!
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his Ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad.’
‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch…
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness. He refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green Head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his willie over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’
bluegreen said:
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can loop his willie over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.’
Lurve the language in that one!
ROFLMAO!!!
Two men were playing golf one day when they saw a funeral procession drive past. As it did,one of the men put down his club, knelt down, put his hands together and started praying for the departed. As the procession passed he stood back up and began to continue his game. On seeing his piety, the second man commented on his friend’s actions, commending him for being so caring and spiritual. The first man then replied “It’s the least I could do as we were married for the last thirty five years”.
An English lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily.
So the lawyer asks if the Scotsman would like to play a fun game.
The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The English lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only £5;
you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says.
This catches the Scotsman’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the Moon?’
The Scotsman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Scotsman’s turn. He asks the lawyer,
‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him £500.
The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Scotsman up and asks,
‘Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?’
The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep!!!
bluegreen said:
The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep!!!
ROFL! That’s a beauty :)
An English lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
———————————————-
LOL! That’s a good one BG!
Psst when did you last clean the inside of your computer screen????
http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf
Lucky1 said:
Psst when did you last clean the inside of your computer screen????http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf
ewww, I was hoping it would be something cute like a squirrel or a kitten!!
>Psst when did you last clean the inside of your computer screen????
But how do they get the dog in there?
I know a bit about puters but that beats me…
;^)
Awww —- that’s so sweet!!!
CollieWA said:
>Psst when did you last clean the inside of your computer screen????But how do they get the dog in there?
I know a bit about puters but that beats me…
;^)
Not keeping up with the latest huh Collie….LOL
Lucky1 said:
Psst when did you last clean the inside of your computer screen????http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf
I wish it could do the outside of the screen as well.
pomolo said:
Lucky1 said:
Psst when did you last clean the inside of your computer screen????http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf
I wish it could do the outside of the screen as well.
BBC Doco on Dog Breeding anyone?
Stolen from the Post Courier…
“The Washington Times’ Dan Daly pointed out that former world tennis ace Chris Evert, who split in big headlines this week from Aussie ex-great golfer Greg Norman, has now been married to an Australian, a Brit (John Lloyd) and an American (Andy Mill). “Which puts her only a Frenchman away from the matrimonial grand slam,” Daly wrote.”
pain master said:
Stolen from the Post Courier…“The Washington Times’ Dan Daly pointed out that former world tennis ace Chris Evert, who split in big headlines this week from Aussie ex-great golfer Greg Norman, has now been married to an Australian, a Brit (John Lloyd) and an American (Andy Mill). “Which puts her only a Frenchman away from the matrimonial grand slam,” Daly wrote.”
Ouch!
Oh about time…. safe link:)
http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
Lucky1 said:
Oh about time…. safe link:)http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
Fantastic Lucky.. I may have to save that one for the next chain mail I get :D
Lucky1 said:
Oh about time…. safe link:)http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
If they say “forward or else”, I just delete ‘em…you’d be amazed at the crock emails that I delete…I hate the guilt-trip emails
bon008 said:
Lucky1 said:
Oh about time…. safe link:)http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
Fantastic Lucky.. I may have to save that one for the next chain mail I get :D
Oh I thought it was so funny myself, just had to share.
Dinetta said:
Lucky1 said:
Oh about time…. safe link:)http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
If they say “forward or else”, I just delete ‘em…you’d be amazed at the crock emails that I delete…I hate the guilt-trip emails
I guess the mail man loves the fact chain letters are now emailed….LOL
bon008 said:
Lucky1 said:
Oh about time…. safe link:)http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
Fantastic Lucky.. I may have to save that one for the next chain mail I get :D
That one gets my vote Lucky1.
pomolo said:
bon008 said:
Lucky1 said:
Oh about time…. safe link:)http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
Fantastic Lucky.. I may have to save that one for the next chain mail I get :D
That one gets my vote Lucky1.
Thank you Pomolo……..
started bolting the sleepers for my new vege bed together today. been so busy with guests and MotoGP and such haven’t had a chance until now. The four sides are assembled, now got to dig the channels to lay them in so that they are level on the slope and then bolt the four sides together. Then I will open up the soil a bit before piling in the horse poo and any other goodies I can get my hands on.
bluegreen said:
started bolting the sleepers for my new vege bed together today. been so busy with guests and MotoGP and such haven’t had a chance until now. The four sides are assembled, now got to dig the channels to lay them in so that they are level on the slope and then bolt the four sides together. Then I will open up the soil a bit before piling in the horse poo and any other goodies I can get my hands on.
You must be feeling better BG, good to hear :) They were selling the ready half – assembled edging for raised vegie beds at the GA expo – did you see them? I was tempted but I think they were only about 1 sq mt.
bluegreen said:
started bolting the sleepers for my new vege bed together today. been so busy with guests and MotoGP and such haven’t had a chance until now. The four sides are assembled, now got to dig the channels to lay them in so that they are level on the slope and then bolt the four sides together. Then I will open up the soil a bit before piling in the horse poo and any other goodies I can get my hands on.
sounds like you shook the flu’.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between “potentially” and “realistically”?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.”
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know what a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically” ?”
The boy replied, “Yes, “potentially” you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But, “realistically” we’re living with two hookers and a homo.”
+++++
You’ve probably all read this before, but it’s still a goody…
we’re living with two hookers and a homo.”
++++++++++
Very good :-D
Yep about right…………….
Apparently someone is upset on her behalf, also I don’t think the ad people had permission to use her image…even if the rest of us think it’s true…but I’m here to tell you there’s worse out there…some of those ladies on the TV talk shows are mind-numbing with their intellectual vacuity…
Dinetta said:
Apparently someone is upset on her behalf, also I don’t think the ad people had permission to use her image…even if the rest of us think it’s true…but I’m here to tell you there’s worse out there…some of those ladies on the TV talk shows are mind-numbing with their intellectual vacuity…
Must be hard reading or just knowing what people think of that said person reading it….. who ever you are. Almost Mrs. Bimbo is going to B Spears concert when she comes here. Hope its a better concert than what Perth had the other night.
>Yep about right…………….
I reckon!
Lucky1 said:
Yep about right…………….
Good one.
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS…
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here…
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that’s when he shot her
bluegreen said:
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS…Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here…They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that’s when he shot her
ROFL! Contrived, but funny nonetheless
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
Animals that you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes time.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion, openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. Similar to my character lines.
LOL! Very good Lucky :D
http://www.break.com/games/tiger-woods-wife-outrun.html
It had to come at some stage….lol
Bit of TIC for Australia Day about Lamb.
http://blogs.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/markmann/
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.’
—Tim, 7 years old
‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
—Melanie, 7 years old
‘My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
—Grady, 7 years old
‘‘My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
—Toby, 7 years old
‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
—Sarah, 7 years old
‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’
—Lily, 7 years old
‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
—Ethan, 7 years old
‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
—Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
‘My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
—Jack, 7 years
Is sex work?
A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
An ensign responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
Emptying out the email box now….lol
Ain’t it the Truth !!!
A woman goes to her doctor for her annual checkup.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
How much do you weigh?’ she asks. ‘Eight and a half stone,’ the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scales and her weight is actually ten stone.
The nurse asks, ‘Your height?’ ’5 foot 8 !!!’, she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5’ 5’.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.
‘Of course it’s HIGH !!!’ the woman screams, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender …. Now I’m short and fat !!!’
Elf found this one on the newspapers….lol Classic:)
Geese and a fisherman…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV4FCwtTEo
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr.. Schwartz,’ the mortician
commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
‘I have something to show
you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
‘Oh, it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘Have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer..
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed..
He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs
with your wife?’
The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied..
‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
Lucky1 said:
Elf found this one on the newspapers….lol Classic:)Geese and a fisherman…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV4FCwtTEo
hee hee. maybe the goose decided that he was a big lady goose. Either that it was upset that he let that fish go instead of giving it to him!
Paul Potts with as wedgie……???????????
Take a look at this….
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=13658
Yep still emptying out my email box:)
bluegreen said:
Lucky1 said:
Elf found this one on the newspapers….lol Classic:)Geese and a fisherman…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV4FCwtTEo
hee hee. maybe the goose decided that he was a big lady goose. Either that it was upset that he let that fish go instead of giving it to him!
Oh i thought it was so classic…. I was laughing so much. Soft & Squashy has geese so I forwarded it to her;D
Lucky1 said:
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDSA handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.’
—Tim, 7 years old
‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
—Melanie, 7 years old
‘My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
—Grady, 7 years old
‘‘My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
—Toby, 7 years old
‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
—Sarah, 7 years old
‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’
—Lily, 7 years old
‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
—Ethan, 7 years old
‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
—Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
‘My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
—Jack, 7 years
The innocence of childhood.
Lucky1 said:
Soft & Squashy has geese so I forwarded it to her;D
how is she these days?
bluegreen said:
Lucky1 said:
Soft & Squashy has geese so I forwarded it to her;D
how is she these days?
Good as far as I know…..
Lucky1 said:
Paul Potts with as wedgie……???????????Take a look at this….
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=13658
Yep still emptying out my email box:)
You can never live long enough to be able to say that you’ve seen it all. Amazing to the max.
This is about 5 mins long…but its well done….. love the ending…
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20
Bloody pigeons. Winged cockroaches! 8^)
CollieWA said:
Bloody pigeons. Winged cockroaches! 8^)
I wasn’t expecting that ending…….lol Elf calls them “Rats of the sky”
>lol Elf calls them “Rats of the sky”
That makes more sense. Cockies already have wings!
CollieWA said:
>lol Elf calls them “Rats of the sky”That makes more sense. Cockies already have wings!
Hey But the elf is 1/2 irish……………………………..
>lol Elf calls them “Rats of the sky”
That makes more sense. Cockies already have wings!Hey But the elf is 1/2 irish……………………………..
========
But he was fully correct. Rats of the sky.
Lucky1 said:
This is about 5 mins long…but its well done….. love the ending…http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=jEjUAnPc2VA#t=20
very good – brilliant graphics – and like you say – a thoroughly satisfying end.
That was excellent! I liked the ending too :D
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. ‘Uh, yes, Officer’?
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing’?
The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine’.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ‘And her, what is she doing’?
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails’.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane …
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man’?
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir’.
The trooper asks: ‘And her, …. what’s her age’?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.. ‘
Lucky1 said:
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. ‘Uh, yes, Officer’?
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing’?
The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine’.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ‘And her, what is she doing’?
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails’.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane …
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man’?
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir’.
The trooper asks: ‘And her, …. what’s her age’?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.. ‘
18? That’s an old boiler eh?
pain master said:
Lucky1 said:
A Kentucky State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. ‘Uh, yes, Officer’?
The trooper asks: ‘What are you doing’?
The young man says: ‘Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine’.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: ‘And her, what is she doing’?
The young man shrugs: ‘Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails’.
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane …
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: ‘What’s your age, young man’?
The young man says: ‘I’m 22, sir’.
The trooper asks: ‘And her, …. what’s her age’?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ‘She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.. ‘
18? That’s an old boiler eh?
I should clarify…. they need a hotel room!
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!
For people I don’t email to (as I don’t have your email address). This is my most fav email attachment in ages. I found it on You Tube< so i could share it with you.
I love his little face and he’s just so cute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErKnk_48Ls0
TO CELEBRATE HIS 60TH BIRTHDAY, HERE ARE 15 CLASSIC CHUCK NORRIS FACTS
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Red Rooster, and got one.
Chuck Norris gives blood every day…too bad none of it is his.
Chuck Norris can make a snowman out of rain.
LOL! Very good :D
Lucky1 said:
TO CELEBRATE HIS 60TH BIRTHDAY, HERE ARE 15 CLASSIC CHUCK NORRIS FACTS
Yeah! Chuck!
bluegreen said:
Sad but true? :(
I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. ‘Young man, we’re both 90 years old, ‘ the husband said …‘We may not have 45 minutes.’ They were seated immediately.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would ‘hate’ to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- —-
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’
Artie said: ‘ I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’
Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’
Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord… ‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’
The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’
Smith asks, ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’
The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’
‘Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’
‘The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——
A man goes to a shrink and says, ‘Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ says the Doctor, ‘take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?’
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. ‘Give me one last request, dear,‘he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’
—————— ————- ————- ————
A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’
The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison
Lucky1 said:
I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, ‘So which six items would you like to buy?’Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. ‘Young man, we’re both 90 years old, ‘ the husband said …‘We may not have 45 minutes.’ They were seated immediately.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would ‘hate’ to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- —-
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’
Artie said: ‘ I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’
Eugene commented: ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’
Al said: ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord… ‘God, what does a million years mean to you?’
The Lord replies, ‘A minute.’
Smith asks, ‘And what does a million dollars mean to you?’
The Lord replies, ‘A penny.’
‘Smith asks, ‘Can I have a penny?’
‘The Lord replies, ‘In a minute.’
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——
A man goes to a shrink and says, ‘Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ says the Doctor, ‘take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?’
—————— ————- ————- ————- ————- ————- ——-
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. ‘Give me one last request, dear,‘he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry Bob.’
‘But I thought you hated Bob,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’
—————— ————- ————- ————
A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’
The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison
I like the women and cats one. If only men would learn. LOL.
LOL! Very good Lucky!
Only on an American TV show….
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-LIpAxjPt9U
Lucky1 said:
Only on an American TV show….http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-LIpAxjPt9U
lol!
Lucky1 said:
Only on an American TV show….http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=-LIpAxjPt9U
So funny though.
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: “and do you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘why’?
The worker yelled back,
“Cos his wife’s here with his lunch”
Lucky1 said:
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: “and do you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘why’?
The worker yelled back,
“Cos his wife’s here with his lunch”
Love it!
If you’ll pardon the pun, that nun had her work cut out…!
Lucky1 said:
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: “and do you men know Jesus Christ?”
They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘why’?
The worker yelled back,
“Cos his wife’s here with his lunch”
Ha Ha Ha!
The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’
MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN: ‘I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?’
MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.’
MAN: ‘How much?’
WOMAN: ‘£39,000’
MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market.. They’re asking £2,890.000’ for it.
MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,600,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra if it’s really a pretty good price.’
WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’
MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: ‘Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we
can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
Murphy’s’ old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
‘Ain’t dat grand, !!’ Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, ‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !’
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too….’
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, ‘Hold on, we aint got done yet, !’
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !’
Murphy said to the doctor, ‘Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?’
The doctor said, ‘You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.’
Murphy said, ‘Ah yeah, during conception.’
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
‘Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.’
She said, ‘Yeah, I remember dat night…’
Murph said, ‘I’ll tell you, ……it’s a good ting we didn’t use WD-40.
bluegreen said:
Murphy’s’ old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!‘Ain’t dat grand, !!’ Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, ‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet, !’
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too….’
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, ‘Hold on, we aint got done yet, !’
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !’Murphy said to the doctor, ‘Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?’
The doctor said, ‘You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.’
Murphy said, ‘Ah yeah, during conception.’
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
‘Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.’She said, ‘Yeah, I remember dat night…’
Murph said, ‘I’ll tell you, ……it’s a good ting we didn’t use WD-40.
LOL.
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”
“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George.
“I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”
“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”
someone in Dandenong (outer Melbourne) apparently…
bluegreen said:
someone in Dandenong (outer Melbourne) apparently…
That’s hilarious! Thanks BG.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well,
they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
‘I think I am going to have a little broom!’
‘IMPOSSIBLE !’ said the groom broom.
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Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
hurt!!!!!!
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‘WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!’
(Sounds to me like she’s been sweeping around! )
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment…..
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’
‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence…
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
‘Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
Lucky1 said:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing.’
‘What do they say?’ the priest asked.
They say, ‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
‘That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment…..
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying… That phrase… In no time.’‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house….As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying…Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’
There was stunned silence…
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
‘Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
Giggling here.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said
proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
Little Jenny was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn (you remember him don’t cha?).
The teacher held her breath …
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog shit!”
Then I would say,“It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
“I used the governmental approach of giving you something
shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste
out of your mouth.”
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, “Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right.”
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.
I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on… You don’t
even know the way to the Post Office!”
bluegreen said:
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, “Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?”The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right.”Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.
I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on… You don’t
even know the way to the Post Office!”
LOL how a child’s mind really works…prolly based on a true story by the sound of it…
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for
a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If
I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
dinner?”
“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman
asked “No,” I don’t waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. “I
need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair
done in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m
going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded.
“Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that?” I know I’m
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a
woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments,
and wine.
Church Organist
There was a small church in Manitoba that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, though, ‘because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while’.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said…
‘Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.’
:D
GOOD, BETTER, BEST
GOOD
A cop from the NSW Police was watching for speeders, but wasn’t getting many.
Then he discovered the problem – a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD.’
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money ( And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post near Queanbeyan with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NSW Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen’s Ball.’
He replied, ‘New South Wales Policemen don’t have balls.’
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 65.
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I’m so happy because I live at 73 so it’s not far to walk home afterwards!
The only way for a Sunday afternoon ‘quickie’, with their 8-year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar
and tell him to report on everything that’s happening on the street.
Lucky1 said:
…
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
heeheeheeheehee!! :)
Yes i am cleaning out my email box…lol;
Lucky1 said:
Yes i am cleaning out my email box…lol;
Nice way to spend the morning, reading your funnies :) Love the mars bar one!
bon008 said:
Lucky1 said:
Yes i am cleaning out my email box…lol;
Nice way to spend the morning, reading your funnies :) Love the mars bar one!
Oh I have some really funny movie ones… but can’t pop them up here:(
Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract
for 3 months in Dublin was drinking in O’Donoghue’s pub in
Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a
round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical
baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at
25 pounds but Bruce just shrugs, “That’s about average in
Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and
many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to
sympathy pains.
Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar.
Greg, the bartender says “You’re the father of
that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth. Everybody’s been having bets about how big he’d be in
2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers ’17 pounds.”
Greg is puzzled and concerned. “What happened?
He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and
proudly says ………….. “Had him circumcised mate.”
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter, asked Larry ‘Giving up?’
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,“Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? “
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom …..’
I know who you got these from Lucky :)
bluegreen said:
I know who you got these from Lucky :)
Oh were they sent to you too…… hehehe
Lucky1 said:
GOOD, BETTER, BESTGOOD
A cop from the NSW Police was watching for speeders, but wasn’t getting many.
Then he discovered the problem – a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read ‘RADAR TRAP AHEAD.’
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading ‘TIPS’ and a bucket full of money ( And we used to just sell lemonade!)BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post near Queanbeyan with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NSW Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen’s Ball.’
He replied, ‘New South Wales Policemen don’t have balls.’
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Funny was seeing Lin Lin, my white silkie, sitting on a cherry tomato! LOL
Happy Potter said:
Funny was seeing Lin Lin, my white silkie, sitting on a cherry tomato! LOL
ROFL!
Happy Potter said:
Funny was seeing Lin Lin, my white silkie, sitting on a cherry tomato! LOL
Awww go on, give her a clutch! Two will do it…
2 Irishmen walk into a bar. the barmen says “whats the occasion?” the answer “we finished a puzzle in 2 months and on the box it says 2-3 years
bluegreen said:
2 Irishmen walk into a bar. the barmen says “whats the occasion?” the answer “we finished a puzzle in 2 months and on the box it says 2-3 years
hehehehe
bluegreen said:
2 Irishmen walk into a bar. the barmen says “whats the occasion?” the answer “we finished a puzzle in 2 months and on the box it says 2-3 years
ROTFLMAO.
A man was worried that his wife was getting a little deaf, so asked the family doctor what he could do about it. The doctor said that first we need to know how deaf she is, so do this little test. At 40 feet away try talking to her in a normal voice. If you don’t get a response then try again at 30 feet, then 20, etc. until you get a response.
The next day the man was in his den and his wife was in the kitchen preparing the evening meal. He figured that he was about 40 feet away so asked in a normal voice, “Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?” He got no response so tried again from the hallway which he figured was about 30 feet. Again no response. He moved closer and closer trying every 10 feet and still was not getting an answer. Finally he stood right behind her and asked again, “Honey, what’s for dinner tonight?” To which his wife replied, “Goodness George, for the 5th time, we’re having chicken!”
bluegreen said:
MrBL once got into a lift with a very high up manager who proceded to belch, fart and scratch his balls, all without batting an eyeball. LOL
ps He had food dribbled down his tie as well.
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’..
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’ the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. ‘Your horse phoned’
bluegreen said:
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’..
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on’ the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. ‘Your horse phoned’
if i had a violent wife like that, i’d be looking for Jenny too :)
bluegreen said:
More scary than funny? :)
bon008 said:
bluegreen said:
More scary than funny? :)
I agree.
LETTER OF THE YEAR……
Dear Mother-in-Law
Please don’t try to tell me how to raise my kids – I’m married to one of yours and believe me there’s room for improvement!
Sincerely
Your Daughter-in-Law
bluegreen said:
LETTER OF THE YEAR……Dear Mother-in-Law
Please don’t try to tell me how to raise my kids – I’m married to one of yours and believe me there’s room for improvement!
Sincerely
Your Daughter-in-Law
Love it. Ha ha ha.
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:
Banking ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Pay TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Bureaucratic ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
bluegreen said:
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:Banking ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Pay TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Bureaucratic ‘Service’This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
That would be funny if it weren’t so true…
bluegreen said:
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:Banking ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Pay TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Bureaucratic ‘Service’This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
I’d say a Public Servant would take umbrage to that. A thin skinned one would.
pain master said:
bluegreen said:
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:Banking ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Pay TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Bureaucratic ‘Service’This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
I’d say a Public Servant would take umbrage to that. A thin skinned one would.
you’re not so thinned skinned though, are you?
bluegreen said:
pain master said:
bluegreen said:
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:Banking ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Pay TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Bureaucratic ‘Service’This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
I’d say a Public Servant would take umbrage to that. A thin skinned one would.
you’re not so thinned skinned though, are you?
nah ah.
pain master said:
bluegreen said:
I became confused when I heard the word ‘service’ used with these agencies:Banking ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Pay TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
Bureaucratic ‘Service’This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
Then I visited my uncle, he’s a farmer, he was talking about hiring a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
Suddenly BAM!!! It all came clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
I’d say a Public Servant would take umbrage to that. A thin skinned one would.
I decided to let it slide… :D
A women in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long…easy boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out fo the cart, and gradad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the granfather, “but I’m William…the little shit’s name is Kevin.”
bluegreen said:
A women in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.Meanwhile, grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long…easy boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out fo the cart, and gradad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the granfather, “but I’m William…the little shit’s name is Kevin.”
haha very good
A friend of mine is due to have a bub end of january…her first at 43!!
Will forward this on to her :o) sure she’ll get a giggle out of it
bluegreen said:
A women in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.Meanwhile, grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long…easy boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the grandad calmly say, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out fo the cart, and gradad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the granfather, “but I’m William…the little shit’s name is Kevin.”
Ha ha ha.
bluegreen said:
Pork Sausages don’t come any fresher than this video
Definately funny but the thought is horrible. LOL.
bluegreen said:
Cracked me up. Onya BG.
pomolo said:
bluegreen said:
Cracked me up. Onya BG.
got that one from Thee :)
hehehehehehe, I know my shit very goodly lol
Several guys from Peterborough Ontario dressed up their truck with a guy tied to the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose Head costumes.
As they drove down the main street of Peterborough they caused about 6 accidents.
They were charged with Public Mischief and having open beer in a vehicle,
Peterborough cops have no sense of humour.
to bcc: me
2 WOMEN – are having a coffee and catching up:
So, how was your evening last night?
A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, “granted” me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work.
He took me out for a very romantic dinner.
We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour.
We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late. It was wonderful.
2 MEN – meet at the pub…
So, how was your evening last night?
Incredible! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife, You?
A nightmare! I came home early to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn’t find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full…!
The Dinner was so expensive that I couldn’t afford a taxi, so we had to walk home. It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f*cking candles to avoid knocking everything over.
I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish.
In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing…….total disaster.
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kath leen staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’
Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly …….. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
you can thank Yeehah for these. there were others but these I thought were the best :)
bluegreen said:
you can thank Yeehah for these. there were others but these I thought were the best :)
they brightened up my day.. thanks :)
No, he does not need to get confused by that joke.
bluegreen said:
Yes I like that lol!
Don’t think it’s coming up, BlueGreen???
Dinetta said:
Don’t think it’s coming up, BlueGreen???
sorry about that, something to do with the source file I think.
Copied the URL into the address bar, without the !!!! and it tells me I am not authorised to download this content…
Dinetta said:
Copied the URL into the address bar, without the !!!! and it tells me I am not authorised to download this content…
I got it from another forum, and I think they have some sort of protection on it. Shame, it was cute AND funny :)
OK, here is the picture and there was a caption that said:
“I said I don’t want to go for a swim!”
bluegreen said:
I’m not laughing. Can’t see anything.
Dinetta said:
Don’t think it’s coming up, BlueGreen???
Good. It’s not just me then.
bluegreen said:
OK, here is the picture and there was a caption that said:“I said I don’t want to go for a swim!”
Oh yeah!
bluegreen said:
OK, here is the picture and there was a caption that said:“I said I don’t want to go for a swim!”
LOL!
I have a little GPS
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
“It’s sixty k’s an hour”, it says
“You’re doing sixty five”
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – lets me have a shed.
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
