The travelling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Sardar.” The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was a middle aged Sardar. Suddenly, the Sardar dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the Sardar was carried off on their shoulders. Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, “Don’t Miss The Amazing Sardar “ He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Sardar stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible!” he told the Sardar, “but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”
“Well,” said the Sardar, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.”

You know you’re Australian if …
1. You know the meaning of the word “girt”.
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it’s normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son’s pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American “roots for his team” you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase “a group of women wearing black thongs” refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as “Mel-bin”.
10. You pronounce Penrith as “Pen-riff”.
11. You believe the “l” in the word “Australia” is optional.
12. You can translate: “Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.”
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend “a total bastard” but someone you really, truly despise is just “a bit of a bastard”.
15. You think “Woolloomooloo” is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You’re secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that “Wagga Wagga” can be abbreviated to “Wagga” but “Woy Woy” can’t be called “Woy”.
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don’t get why the “Labor” in “Australian Labor Party” is not spelt with a “u”.
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that “excuse me” can sound rude, while “scuse me” is always polite.
30. You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that “you” has a plural and that it’s “youse”.
32. You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call “Anzac cookies”.
35. You still think of Kylie as “that girl off Neighbours”.
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase “smart casual” refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says “cobber”.
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

very good BG

Thats great Blue—;)

You wear ugh boots outside the house.

——————————
Yep thats me:)

Lucky1 said:

You wear ugh boots outside the house.

——————————
Yep thats me:)

—

Yep me too—have been know t be a real flash sort and wear them with a sarong as well—comfort is what I am about :)

Grasshopper said:

Lucky1 said:

You wear ugh boots outside the house.

——————————
Yep thats me:)

—

Yep me too—have been know t be a real flash sort and wear them with a sarong as well—comfort is what I am about :)

T-shirt and shorts for me with the ugglies on my feet…LOL

T-shirt and shorts for me with the ugglies on my feet…LOL

+++++++++++++++
I was working in Casterton Vic about 10 years ago, staying in a pub there and this woman asked me if i’d been there the previous year. It was the middle of Winter and she said she remembered me as i was the only person she’d ever seen in thongs in Winter in Casterton.

Longy said:

T-shirt and shorts for me with the ugglies on my feet…LOL

+++++++++++++++
I was working in Casterton Vic about 10 years ago, staying in a pub there and this woman asked me if i’d been there the previous year. It was the middle of Winter and she said she remembered me as i was the only person she’d ever seen in thongs in Winter in Casterton.

Was it you??

Was it you??

+++++++++++++
Yep. I was sitting in the pub with a pair of thongs on :-)
It was middle of winter again.

Longy said:

Was it you??

+++++++++++++
Yep. I was sitting in the pub with a pair of thongs on :-)
It was middle of winter again.

LOL… that is so classic……..love it:D

Longy said:
Was it you??
+++++++++++++
Yep. I was sitting in the pub with a pair of thongs on :-)
It was middle of winter again.

LOL… that is so classic……..love it:D

+++++++++++++
Strange way to be remembered innit! Thing is, it was only about 1 or 2 degrees. Easily thong weather for a Bathurst boy.

Same as my Son and A they are always in shorts no matter the season

Grasshopper said:

Same as my Son and A they are always in shorts no matter the season

I like to wear shorts as long as possible at the end of the hot weather and start as soon as I can after the cold weather.

the poms think ‘cobber’ is aussie whereas ‘mate’ is british.
i’ve never taken a fly up the nose. low alcohol beer has gotten worst and pricier (said in embarrassed pub talk).

My Husband always said “Cobber”

That’s just so true.

I was nodding all the way through..

Grasshopper said:

My Husband always said “Cobber”

I’ve always thought of it as an ANZAC thing.

Yes It was an ANZAC thing but he always used it as I guess it was real Aussie

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad eh!

I was looking for a funnies thread to put this in and found this one and have just cacked myself at the aussie list, can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Might have to look at doing the whole citizenship thing now, I think I’ve been integrated! Been here long enough to be more Aussie than Pom. The thing is I’m such an aussie, I’m too lazy to become a citizen ‘cos it means I’d have to vote!

Anyways, the joke I wanted to post…

THE CREATION OF PETS

Where do pets come from?A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.“And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.“And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.And it was a good animal.And God was pleased.And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.“And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.And God was pleased.And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.“And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a crap one way or the other.

hortfurball said:

I was looking for a funnies thread to put this in and found this one and have just cacked myself at the aussie list, can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Might have to look at doing the whole citizenship thing now, I think I’ve been integrated! Been here long enough to be more Aussie than Pom. The thing is I’m such an aussie, I’m too lazy to become a citizen ‘cos it means I’d have to vote!

Anyways, the joke I wanted to post…

THE CREATION OF PETS

Where do pets come from?A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.“And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.“And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.And it was a good animal.And God was pleased.And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.“And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.And God was pleased.And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.“And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn’t give a crap one way or the other.

LOL.

And Cat didn’t give a crap one way or the other.
—————————————-
LOL sounds about right.

A man owned a small farm in SA.

The SA State Wages Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,”
demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to —- the half-wit,”
says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

“That’s the guy I want to talk to—- the half-wit,”
says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.
—————————————
ROLFP

Love it:D

Posted at BYP: could be called “After a girls night out”

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on
the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, ‘The
way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and
have never finished.’
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I
started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I
finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo’s, the remainder
of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and
a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel. drink.gif happydance2.gif

Hmmm, so much for the smileys. One day I’ll have to figure out how to do smileys on this forum.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’ The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’

Good one BG ! LOL

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR & PROBABLY THE CENTURY
Charlotte, North Carolina:

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, and then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great Cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued…and WON!

STAY WITH ME

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!

******************************************************************************

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent

Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!
+++++++++++++++++++++++

LOl POm, that’s incredible!

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT’S TRUE!!!!!!

The Estate said:

I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT’S TRUE!!!!!!

I’ve always suspected I’m more man than woman – wonder if growing up with four brothers had something to do with it :D

?I KNOW YOU‘RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT’S TRUE!!!!!!

Most?

More like “Here endeth the lesson”!! LOL

Well my cold (I know I’m risking putting the mockers on myself..) has pretty much passed now.

Thank dog.

Combination of:

Lecky blanket on “furnace”
Duratussan (or something like that) “PLus” lozengers
12hr sudafeds
LOTS of sleep
About a box and a half of tissues, half a dunny roll and a couple of soggy sleaves
Lemsips
Various other lozengers from the stupidmarket
A week
3/4 of a day off work after being sent home
Lots of times I was going to cough up a lung, spleen or liver..

Some who have had it said they also got aches, have spews and trots, but I was spared that. But I don’t normally get colds.

Yesterday I started getting custard coloured tissues so I went to the quack today and got some antibiotic capsules to knock over the secondary infection…

So now I’ve got 2 night shifts before days off again, with luck I’ll be 100% by then.

For those still suffering with it or just coming down with it, you have my sympathy…

The Estate said:

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT’S TRUE!!!!!!

I first saw this when a friend of MrBL’s sent it to us. He’s a Baptist lay minister. LOL

funnies.

Overheard hubby on the phone telling his co-worker “ ( me) had an autopsy yesterday “
Biopsy!!!

Happy Potter said:

funnies.

Overheard hubby on the phone telling his co-worker “ ( me) had an autopsy yesterday “
Biopsy!!!

LOL

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.
———————-
umm – might be good – any idea what colour squeeze pack that comes in?

Happy Potter said:

funnies.

Overheard hubby on the phone telling his co-worker “ ( me) had an autopsy yesterday “
Biopsy!!!

best joke yet. ROTFL

Somehow I’ve managed to find this thread but not the funnies thread.. oh well, it Is Thursday!

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

Immediately, the donkey realised what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Remember:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping and never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred and forgive.
Free your mind from worries as most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

NOW …
..
..
..

Enough of that c-r-a-p! The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your a-s-s it always comes back to bite you.