I am not responsible for the content of this thread.. emphasis on the work ‘bad’

the first card has three on it…

A dyslexic man walks into a Bra

——————

Tommy: Can you teach me to do the splits?
Instructor: How flexible are you?
Tommy: I can’t make tuesdays

——————-

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant

le sigh

Arts said:

I am not responsible for the content of this thread.. emphasis on the work ‘bad’

the first card has three on it…

A dyslexic man walks into a Bra

——————

Tommy: Can you teach me to do the splits?
Instructor: How flexible are you?
Tommy: I can’t make tuesdays

——————-

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.
The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant

le sigh

Boris…take notes.

I’ve got to get rid of my vacuum cleaner…. it’s only collecting dust.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I’ve turned myself around, and that’s what it’s all about.

next card…

Did you hear about the man with a broken left arm and a broken left leg?
Don’t worry he’s all right now

—————————-

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, “we don’t serve food in here”

(that’s not even roll the eyes funny)

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a brandy. But instead of drinking it he pours it over himself, sets himself on fire, raises his glass and says “I give you a toast”.

There’s one joke so bad that I don’t dare put it on Good Scientist Cartoon, but it was the first joke I ever posted on the forum.

Cryptozoology is a pseudoscience that aims to prove the existence of entities from the folklore record. One common theme is giant cats, pumas and the like, that appear where they can’t possibly be. In one such incident, true story, a giant cat 5 feet long was not just seen in the Grampians, but shot by a farmer who hacked off the tail as a souvenir. A tissue sample from the tail was sent for genetic testing and was identified as a domestic cat. The tail, which was two feet long, was later thrown out by the farmer because it had started to stink.

But it’s a good thing he didn’t save the rump along with the tail. That would have been a cat-ass-trophy.

Arts said:

A dyslexic man walks into a Bra

Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

Bubblecar said:

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a brandy. But instead of drinking it he pours it over himself, sets himself on fire, raises his glass and says “I give you a toast”.

Toastie. Should have been “I give you a toastie”.

gaghalfrunt said:

Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

most amusing.

I wish I knew some bad jokes so I could contribute to this thread.

dv said:

gaghalfrunt said:

Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar.

most amusing.

I wish I knew some bad jokes so I could contribute to this thread.

LOL

Bad one :)

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

I’m more one for spontaneous witticisms than traditional structured jokes.

• I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

Some people, uncharitably, suggest that she has a long face, much like a horse…

The Rev Dodgson said:

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

She’s an actress with a rather long face.

Bubblecar said:

I’m more one for spontaneous witticisms than traditional structured jokes.

the point of the thread is to help Boris

next card…

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny

—————-

why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?

(do I really need to provide the answer to this joke that is older than time?)

The Rev Dodgson said:

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

There is a popular joke that goes:
A horse went into a bar and the barman said “Why the long face?”

For you see, “long face” is an expression meaning sad face, but horses literally have long faces.

SJP has a long, horse-like face, and the jokester here is alluding to this joke, assuming that others have already heard it.

A local cabling company was robbed recently. While reporting to the media about it, the police said “We’re not sure who did it, but we do have some leads.”

—

Two pies in a microwave. One says to the other “Damn it’s hot in here” and the other says “Holy crap, a talking pie!”

—

What’s green and brown, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you will kill you? A pool table.

—

A guy walks into a bar….. it hurt.

—

What’s white with black stripes, looks like a horse, and lives in Africa? A frickin’ zebra, dumbass!

—

A Man walked into a bar and went to the counter… after ordering he heard “nice tie”. The barman said “oh dont worry about that, its the peanuts, theyre complimentary.”

—

What’s big, yellow, and can’t swim? A bulldozer.

—

What’s small, new and can’t turn around in a hallway? A baby with a javelin through it’s head.

—

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

—

What’s a neuron? That’s when you walk into McDonalds and think “That Ronald McDonald wasn’t here the last time I came in here. It must be a new Ron.”

—

Did you hear the one about the dead guy? He didn’t.

—

Did you hear the one about the trash can? It’s rubbish.

—

Monica Lewinsky looked in the mirror one day and was disappointed with the shape of her body. She got down on her knees and prayed, saying “Dear God, if you can make me loose my love handles, I’ll dedicate my life to you.” And just like that, her ears fell off.

—

A blind guy picked up a cheese grater and thought, “Damn this is a violent book.”

—

What did one farmer say to the other farmer? “How’s ya farm?”

—

What did the nose say to the bum? “Hey, we have the same haircut!”

—

What is the difference between a snowman and snowwoman? Snowballs.

—

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A fish!

—

This one’s from my sister:
“Ask me if I’m an orange.”
“Are you an orange?”
“No.”

—

I went to an Iraqi birthday party yesterday. That was the fastest game of pass the parcel I’ve ever seen.

—

What did Franko Cozzo say when he stepped in a bucket of paint? “Argh, my foot is grey…”

—

What do you get if you swallow Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.

—

Two male flys are out and about town trying to pick up on some hot young house flies. When one spots one on a pile of horse crap. He swoops down, turns on the charm and says “hey darling is this stool taken?”

—

How do you know if your getting the bird flu? You have an irresistable urge to crap on a windscreen.

—

What do you get if you put the Spice Girls in a toaster? Pop tarts.

—

What do you get if you cross an onion and a donkey? Usually you’ll get an onion with long, pointed ears. But if you’re lucky, you’ll get an ass that brings tears to your eyes.

—

What’s a shihtzu? A zoo with no animals.

—

Paddy the Irishman was looking for work, and his mate Mick told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, “My mate tells me you’re looking for someone to work here.”
“Yes, that’s right.” said the Blacksmith, “Can you shoe Horses?”
“I’m not sure,” said Paddy, “but I once told a Donkey to #%& off.”

—

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the barman said “Hey, we have a drink named after you” and the grasshopper said “Really? Kevin?”

—

I got charged with assault at New Year’s. Not much of an excuse, I know, but when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, you just can’t help yourself.

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

There is a popular joke that goes:
A horse went into a bar and the barman said “Why the long face?”

For you see, “long face” is an expression meaning sad face, but horses literally have long faces.

SJP has a long, horse-like face, and the jokester here is alluding to this joke, assuming that others have already heard it.

this is the actress under discussion…

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

There is a popular joke that goes:
A horse went into a bar and the barman said “Why the long face?”

For you see, “long face” is an expression meaning sad face, but horses literally have long faces.

SJP has a long, horse-like face, and the jokester here is alluding to this joke, assuming that others have already heard it.

Walked into a bar. It’s always “walked” or “walks”.

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

There is a popular joke that goes:
A horse went into a bar and the barman said “Why the long face?”

For you see, “long face” is an expression meaning sad face, but horses literally have long faces.

SJP has a long, horse-like face, and the jokester here is alluding to this joke, assuming that others have already heard it.

Ah OK. Wikipedia didn’t have a section on the length of SJP’s face, so I missed the point.

Bubblecar said:

dv said:

The Rev Dodgson said:

I don’t get the SJP bar joke by the way.

There is a popular joke that goes:
A horse went into a bar and the barman said “Why the long face?”

For you see, “long face” is an expression meaning sad face, but horses literally have long faces.

SJP has a long, horse-like face, and the jokester here is alluding to this joke, assuming that others have already heard it.

Walked into a bar. It’s always “walked” or “walks”.

Ref?

Arts said:

Bubblecar said:

I’m more one for spontaneous witticisms than traditional structured jokes.

the point of the thread is to help Boris

i’m waiting for the bad ones to come along.

dv said:

Bubblecar said:

dv said:

There is a popular joke that goes:
A horse went into a bar and the barman said “Why the long face?”

For you see, “long face” is an expression meaning sad face, but horses literally have long faces.

SJP has a long, horse-like face, and the jokester here is alluding to this joke, assuming that others have already heard it.

Walked into a bar. It’s always “walked” or “walks”.

Ref?

Ask Boris.

Bubblecar said:

dv said:

Bubblecar said:

Walked into a bar. It’s always “walked” or “walks”.

Ref?

Ask Boris.

yep, always walks or walked.

ChrispenEvan said:

Bubblecar said:

dv said:

Ref?

Ask Boris.

yep, always walks or walked.

oohhhh! burn DV, burn

Bubblecar said:

I’m more one for spontaneous witticisms than traditional structured jokes.

Apparently that’s one of my attractive qualities.

Witty
Sarcastic
Cynical
Stuff like that.

Arts said:

ChrispenEvan said:

Bubblecar said:

Ask Boris.

yep, always walks or walked.

oohhhh! burn DV, burn

ROFL …

I’ve got a couple of bad ones.. real stinkers.. remembered from childhood..

I was on a car trip from Orange to Dubbo. When we were approaching Wellington, passing the cemetery…..

nah.. can’t do it..

… that joke is caput, deceased, dead

Good collection JTQ.

Without question the best Dad Joke I’ve ever heard:

Q. If you weigh a Whale at a Whale Weigh Station, where do you weigh a pie?

A. Somewhere, over the rainbow.

another card….

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s a pointless joke

———————————-

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells

(le sigh)

Arts said:

another card….

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Broken pencil
Broken pencil who?
Never mind it’s a pointless joke

———————————-

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells

(le sigh)

and people reckon my jokes are bad. sheesh. The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune etc…

another card…

What’s a pirates favourite letter?
You would think t’would be ‘R’ but ‘tis the “C” they love.

—————-

how do you gt a mouse to smile?
Say cheese

(duh!)

Arts said:

another card…

What’s a pirates favourite letter?
You would think t’would be ‘R’ but ‘tis the “C” they love.

—————-

how do you gt a mouse to smile?
Say cheese

(duh!)

all i can say you haven’t had any jokers in that pack so far…

ChrispenEvan said:

Arts said:

another card…

What’s a pirates favourite letter?
You would think t’would be ‘R’ but ‘tis the “C” they love.

—————-

how do you gt a mouse to smile?
Say cheese

(duh!)

all i can say you haven’t had any jokers in that pack so far…

now you know how we feel :P

Arts said:

ChrispenEvan said:

Arts said:

another card…

What’s a pirates favourite letter?
You would think t’would be ‘R’ but ‘tis the “C” they love.

—————-

how do you gt a mouse to smile?
Say cheese

(duh!)

all i can say you haven’t had any jokers in that pack so far…

now you know how we feel :P

ooOOOoo burn eh?

the point of the thread is to help Boris

————

Why? You want to lower the standard of his jokes even further?

idgi

Ian said:

the point of the thread is to help Boris

————

Why? You want to lower the standard of his jokes even further?

idgi

good to see that my jokes aren’t at the bottom of the barrel. yet.

If a thatcher works with thatch and a bowler bowls, and a planter plants plants, and a roofer works on roofs, what does a mother do?

ChrispenEvan said:

Ian said:

the point of the thread is to help Boris

————

Why? You want to lower the standard of his jokes even further?

idgi

good to see that my jokes aren’t at the bottom of the barrel. yet.

- 9.9B

ChrispenEvan said:

Ian said:

the point of the thread is to help Boris

————

Why? You want to lower the standard of his jokes even further?

idgi

good to see that my jokes aren’t at the bottom of the barrel. yet.

I wonder how’d they go down in Snowtown

Michael V said:

If a thatcher works with thatch and a bowler bowls, and a planter plants plants, and a roofer works on roofs, what does a mother do?

Go next door for a bit of peace and a cuppa?

Ian said:

Michael V said:

If a thatcher works with thatch and a bowler bowls, and a planter plants plants, and a roofer works on roofs, what does a mother do?

Go next door for a bit of peace and a cuppa?

Cuppa tea, a Bex & a good lie down.

Ian said:

Michael V said:

If a thatcher works with thatch and a bowler bowls, and a planter plants plants, and a roofer works on roofs, what does a mother do?

Go next door for a bit of peace and a cuppa?

No, does things with moths, silly.

(That is a genuine dad joke. My dad to me, about 1958.)

Michael V said:

Ian said:

Michael V said:

If a thatcher works with thatch and a bowler bowls, and a planter plants plants, and a roofer works on roofs, what does a mother do?

Go next door for a bit of peace and a cuppa?

No, does things with moths, silly.

(That is a genuine dad joke. My dad to me, about 1958.)

:)

Ok, here’s one for Arts to try on the sprogs.. from a school excursion, Gosford to Sydney..

The coach driver pulled over just before the built up area directly under some HV transmission lines.

He said, “These lines pump out a powerful electric field and in a large vehicle like this one that induces quite a bit of electric flux. And if you place your fingers lightly on the window you can actually feel the pain.”

Ok… doesn’t work in print but it sucked in the crew on the bus.

ChrispenEvan said:

:)

2.0006732B

Oscar Pistorius drinking game. Anytime someone goes to the bathroom, you take 4 shots.

JTQ said:

Oscar Pistorius drinking game. Anytime someone goes to the bathroom, you take 4 shots.

That’s too funny for this shit thread :)

party_pants said:

JTQ said:

Oscar Pistorius drinking game. Anytime someone goes to the bathroom, you take 4 shots.

That’s too funny for this shit thread :)

:)

I’m never really sure whether I should pass that one on or not… some people get upset with it.

JTQ said:

party_pants said:

JTQ said:

Oscar Pistorius drinking game. Anytime someone goes to the bathroom, you take 4 shots.

That’s too funny for this shit thread :)

:)

I’m never really sure whether I should pass that one on or not… some people get upset with it.

Talking of which, his sentence has just been increased to 13 years and 5 months.

did you know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic!

Arts said:

did you know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic!

(polite applause)